‘round the bend

i’m munching on a chocolate chip cookie right now.  but i’ll get back to that.

i’ve been a little double-O-C (Out Of Commission) on my blogging the last few weeks.  it’s been one of those phases where there was more darkness than light and i don’t want to turn into a blogger who uses their blog to go off on the world and proclaim “woe is me” on every post.  so i stayed away from blogging the last few weeks.

but i think i’m on the mend.  my heart, my soul, my mind took a journey i did not see coming into a darkness that left me joyful yet fighting to feel happy – because, after all, there is a huge difference between joyfulness and happiness.  i ought to always be able to have joy and have it abundantly because of what Jesus Christ has done for me.  happiness, however, is circumstantial.  it comes and goes.

i think i’m back from the journey now.  at least, well on my way back.

during the past few weeks, i’ve cried.  a lot.  and i don’t usually cry easily.  even when i was little and my parents would spank me (yes, even with the leather belt), i would rarely cry.  actually, i’d laugh.  :P  i laugh when i’m in pain.  i’m weird.

i’ve cried to God for direction. for restored friendships.  for direction.  for true joy and happiness to return.  for dir-- (can you guess it?) – direction.  and i’ve been praying to know God’s love for me in a fresh and new way and longing to long for Jesus more.

this past week was better than the 2 weeks preceding.  the intimacy i feel with God when i’m struggling is so beautiful and sweet.  sometimes He feels far off.  but this past week He has felt so much closer.  and i’ve started praying on my knees.  it is amazing how your prayer posture can change your prayer life.

so in the midst of everything, i’ve been praying to know God’s love and joy more.  today in church, our pastor spoke on Ephesians 2 – he went thru the whole chapter. read the chapter (it’s not long).

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” – verses 4 & 5

it is by GRACE that i have been saved.  i have been asking for more joy and He has opened my eyes to His magnificent grace.  it’s a word that is tossed around so flippantly in the “Christian lingo”. 

the chapter goes on to say:

“…in order that in the coming ages He [God] might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” – verse 7

the incomparable riches of God’s grace to me is shown to me thru the love of Jesus – the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins so that i stand before God and be seen has clean and forgiven.

God is revealing to me His grace in a new and fresh way.  And He’s revealing it to me thru Jesus’ sacrifice.  and that is helping me long for Jesus.  and all of this is creating a welling up of joy within me.

God – You stoke me beyond measure.  seriously.  I ask You for more of You and You do not withhold Yourself.

ok back to the chocolate chip cookie.

i was listening to a Francis Chan podcast tonight (called Motivated by Grace – ha – there’s the grace thing again).  and he was talking about how our lives need to be showing Jesus to others.  the grace God has shown us thru Jesus Christ – that grace we need to show to others, even those that don’t seem to deserve it.

and while the podcast is finishing up, someone knocks on my door (i’m still staying at the apartment).  i open the door and it’s Mr. Rick, my next door neighbor and he gave me a container of chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies!  just out of the blue, for no reason.

i’m not sure he even knows Christ, but what a timely example of grace!  i have done nothing for Mr. Rick except talk to him when i see him in his yard when i get home from work.  and yet he brought me these cookies.

i just realized this, but in Ephesians 2:8-9, right after the verse i quoted a few paragraphs up, it says:

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”

crazy how God just illustrated that verse, His grace, to me thru Mr. Rick tonight.  …wow.

i am learning a lot right now.  all glory to God.

keep it real.

-jen