It's all relative

When you live in the Keys, getting off "the rock" and going to the mainland (usually Miami or Fort Lauderdale) is a big deal. You make your list of places you need (or think you need) to go. You bring the cooler to load up on cheaper food prices.

When I came to Cheyenne, getting to go to Denver became my "Miami".

Now that I'm in Torrington, Cheyenne has ironically become my "Miami".

It's all relative.

One day I'm going to live in a hut on the beach in like, Nicaragua. I'm not sure where my "Miami" will be then. I'll keep ya posted.

forgiven and free

because it’s Friday and because I got to eat Chipotle today, have a power smoothie from Ruby Juice, enjoy my smoothie as I drove to Bob Marley, and because it was warm and sunny with a warm breeze today and I found $110 trail running shoes for $17 at the Sierra Trading Post Outlet, and because Jesus is so incredible in His love and grace, I decided I would share a verse that’s impacted my life hugely.  I figured those were enough reasons.

there’s this verse that every time I hear it or read it, I’m instantly taken back to the first moment this verse radically changed my life.  I remember at that moment, I swore that was the first time I’d ever heard that verse in my life – though I’m sure I’d read it or heard it many times before.

I’m not going to tell you what verse it is.

 

 

HA!!!!  I’m freakin’ hilarious.  you know you’re laughing, too.  at least giggling?  at least smirking a little with a hint of amusement showing in your eyebrow?  (…”a hint of amusement showing in your eyebrow”???  what in the world?  who’s coming up with this nonsense??  oh…shoot…it’s my blog…I can’t blame someone else…)

oops.  back on track… (I swear 1 day a study is going to come out saying everyone has at least some level of ADD or ADHD in them)

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” – Romans 8:1

now let me tell you why this verse brought so much life and freedom to me.

when this verse hit me, it was probably in…2008 (I can’t remember the exact year).  we had taken a group of high schoolers to Acquire the Fire (ATF) in Miami and at one point, they had a time for all the leaders to get together and hear this one dude talk.  side note: God’s real sly like that.  I think He slips into stealth mode at these youth things.  you know, you take these students to these youth events, praying all the while that God will meet them where they’re at and that He’ll capture their hearts.  but most, if not all of the time, He teaches the leaders just as much and captures (or…recaptures) our hearts as well.  He’s good.  He’s reeeeeal good.  :)

anyway, I have no clue what this dude talked about now, but I will never forget the moment he read that verse and he passionately encouraged us that any mistakes, any sins, any failures we were holding against ourselves – in Christ, we are forgiven!  He does not hold any of that against us.  And neither should we hold it against ourselves.

I was rocked.

by that point in my life, I had had plenty of instances of feeling like I failed God, and others.  I had allowed those feelings of failure to take root in me and I just never felt like God was going to want to use me ever again because I had failed Him so many times.

so I hear this verse at ATF and it rocks me but I didn’t have time to process it at the time because we quickly had to get back to our group and make sure nobody killed each other (totally kidding – we had a great group of teens).  as soon as we got home, I remember sitting in my friend Lisa’s living room (staring out across the back yard to the beautiful ocean and palm trees, I have to mention…oh my heart…how I miss the islands!).  I’m sitting there on her couch and I asked what verse that was that the guy read, the one about “there’s no condemnation”.  I asked, “is that really in the Bible??” and she laughed and had that expression on her face that said, “…are you for real?”  she showed me where it was in Romans and the beauty and freedom of that verse continued to become more and more real to me.

if we are followers of Jesus, we are cleansed by His blood, the Ultimate Sacrifice that was required to restore us to God.  we are completely forgiven and God does not condemn us anymore!  it doesn’t matter what we have done, how we think we’ve failed Him, or how many times we’ve messed up.  He loves us unconditionally.  the blood of Jesus is grace that runs deeper than any of our sins, any of our failures.

“Therefore, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus…”

let those words soak.

confessions from a recovering church-hopper

I have been a dead member of the local church for the majority of my post-high school life.

this realization hit me recently when I had the opportunity to visit another church.  I love my church.  I love my family there.  I love seeing God changes hearts and lives in this community.  but I felt like I needed just 1 weekend off to just…be.

it sounds kind of selfish.  and maybe it is.  but I wanted to just be able to go somewhere and be refreshed and not serve.  haha wow that sounds terrible.  but anyway, I wanted somewhere to be poured into and re-energized for this next month and 1/2 of pure craziness (camps, missions trip, hiking Pike’s Peak, women’s conference, family here…the list goes on).

so I got the weekend off from worship team (which was so hard to follow-thru on…I love my worship team family and the sweet times of fellowship we have Saturday nights!).  that Saturday night I visited the church my grandparents were members of when they were alive.  the message was great, and it was challenging (I mentioned it in the previous post).  it was nice to be able to worship through singing from my seat in the congregation and not be thinking about what chords I was playing or what drum I was hitting.  it was nice to just…be.

and it was awful to just…be…all at the same time.  it was heartbreaking, in a way.  I realized that what I did Saturday night at this church service was exactly what I had done for most of my post-high school life.  I went to church.  I showed up.  I worshiped from my seat.  I maybe shook some hands and talked to some friends (people I knew of course…because that’s comfortable).  heard the message, maybe felt challenged by it & maybe not.  and then I’d get in my car and leave until the next Sunday.  and the next Sunday I might go to a different church.  wherever I felt like going when that Sunday morning rolled around.

the life of a chronic church-hopper is empty and lifeless.  I know.  I was one.  I’m a recovering church-hopper.

it started around my last year or 2 of high school.  this new church had exploded and it was modern and different (they met in a warehouse…that screams “cool” to those of us that grew up in conservative, church buildings with hymnals and pews).  I started going to that church here and there, partly because I felt alive there and loved the worship and teaching.  and partly because almost all my friends & church leaders from my other church didn’t like this new church – so in my selfless rebelliousness (HA, sarcasm), I wanted to prove that there was more to life than singing hymns and dressing nice.  plus I could stop by the gas station and get a coke in a styrofoam cup and take it in with me and not get dirty looks from the older generation.  ;)  (side note – this was pre-soda-less days, people.  I’ve been soda-free for 3 1/2 years!!!!  yes, I’m also a recovering soda addict.  that’s not even an exaggeration.  haha that’s a whole ‘nother blog post)

it just got worse from there, though.  I went to college and there were so many churches to choose from that I figured why stick with 1?  it was like a smorgasbord for a “church consumer”.  try out 1 church.  see what I got from it.  try out another church.  see what I got.  oh, don’t feel like getting out of my sweats to go to church?  not a problem – just go to campus church.  or better yet, drive to the park (grab a coke on the way, of course) and listen to campus church on the radio.  oh, that campus pastor’s speaking today?  nevermind – I’ll put on my ipod and listen to a podcast.

and it only continued from there, even after college.

it wasn’t until I relocated out West (yes, I still say “relocated” because to say “moved” would sound way too permanent) that I tried something new.  actually I didn’t “try” it.  I got thrown into it because of the internship I’m doing.  I had no intention of really getting connected and sticking around because I couldn’t imagine myself sticking to 1 church for too long (God is awesome – He is so sly sometimes).  but I started serving on the worship team (which I had never in my life done before).  then I joined a Bible study.  then I started getting involved with the youth group…

I love my church.  I love serving in the local church.  wow that sure feels crazy to say, after so many years of church-hopping, being a “consumer Christian” and being frustrated with local churches.  I now realize in a whole new way how much just going to church and leaving is full of emptiness.  it’s not what church was created to be.  the church was established for fellow believers to come and fellowship together.  to share what they had, to live in community with one another.  to serve each other and to love one another deeply.  to then go out and share Jesus with others and serve others and love others and…the list goes on.

I remember at my Grandpa’s funeral in 2007, his pastor (who is now MY pastor…just another example of God’s crazy, unpredictable plan for our lives!) said that my grandpa loved the local church.  he LOVED it.  him and my grandma served faithfully and loved, even when they weren’t huge fans of the addition of drums to the worship team.  :)  they still loved the person playing the drums and didn’t complain and didn’t throw in the towel and go to a more “conservative” church.  they were committed.  I specifically remember right then and there at the funeral service that I longed to one day love the local church again.  obviously, it didn’t happen over night (here I am, 5 years later, just now rediscovering that love).  but that moment at the funeral service has stuck with me ever since.

by the grace of God, I am a recovering church-hopper.

running in circles

I love when I get hit from so many different angles on the same exact topic.  that’s when I know God is really trying to get my attention, and out of His great love & mercy (and amazing patience), He is going to use all these different avenues until I get it.

I won’t cover every detail (although knowing me, this will turn out long anyways).  you can always ask me for the full story. :)  but this past week I realized I needed to start thinking about the future (“future” as in 2 months down the road, not 5 years down the road – I am SO not a 5-year plan person – way too much can happen and change in 5 years!).  I’ve been praying quite a bit about what to do once I’m done with this internship in August.  in reality, I could go anywhere.  anywhere in the world.  I don’t own a home.  I have no rental lease.  my source of income lets me work wherever I can get wi-fi access, which I’m sure there’s some sweet tiny hut on the island of tahiti that has wi-fi and I could totally go there.  in reality, I don’t need much to live.  just food, sunshine, and Jesus.

I often think about where I want to go next.  but my daydreaming doesn’t go far at all.  I start to think of a place, and then I get stumped as to what I would do there.  the only place I can see myself being right now is where I am…right now.  in this tiny Wyoming community that I have quickly grown to love.  God continues to open door after door here and He continues to blow me away by giving me the desires of my heart.  Psalm 37:4 – “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  I am experiencing this verse to be true and it is blowing my mind.

however – yes, there’s a “however”.

as much as I felt like God was leading me to stay here past August, I hadn’t verbally (or…textually…is that even a word?  it totally is now) made this known to anyone.  oh sure, I’d mention that I might stay around but still left it open in case God “moved me elsewhere”.  you know, the classic non-committal response to people’s questions as to what I’m going to do next.  ;)

well this past week, I talked with Paul & Cristine (refresher: I’ve been interning under Paul for the past year) about my plans.  I verbally acknowledged that I felt I was supposed to stick around past August.  why is it that when you finally verbalize something, it’s at that moment that you realize what that something really entails?  leading up to the verbalizing, you’re like…thinking it all out in your head and everything’s great and seems all put together.  then you verbalize it.  and then it’s like “oh…crap…wait a minute…now this is real…”

yeah that moment totally happened.

as soon as I verbalized it, I realized I didn’t have a place to live in this plan to stick around.  minor detail, right?  …yeah.

for various reasons that don’t need to be detailed on this blog, I went into a tailspin the next couple days.  I quickly started jumping to conclusions.  I started questioning if I had sensed God’s leading correctly.  maybe I really was supposed to go somewhere else.  but everywhere I kept running through my head as an option was just not glowing with the bright neon light saying “YES!  Go THERE!”  I had this overwhelming sense that if I gave up on this leading and went somewhere else, I would be restless and non-peace-having (I know there’s a word for that, but I can’t think of it).

so in my tailspin state of mind, I came to a logical conclusion.  I would live in my car.  that was the only solution so that I could continue on with what I felt God leading me to do.  that night I started sorting through my clothes, deciding what I could get rid of to downsize.  no really, I totally did.  haha

hey, at the time it seemed logical!!

thankfully, I have good friends who helped me regain common sense and put an end to the tailspin madness.  I realized I put God in WAY to small of a box.  my dreams are pathetically small.  I set my sights way too low.

I am created and sustained by the God of universe.  of the UNIVERSE!  the One who holds it all in motion!  the One who sent His Son to die for me so that I could have a right relationship with Him!  the One who gives me my every breath!

then this past Saturday night I had the chance to visit another local church (the one my grandparents went to when they were still alive, actually).  and the pastor’s message centered around Adam & Eve and the Fall. He pointed out that when Adam & Eve became discontent with what they had, they lost focus.  And then they became entangled in sin.  they had perfection fellowship with God.  they had it all.  but they became discontent with that.  they wanted more.  they wanted to be like God.  they wanted to know what He knew.  living in discontentment, satan striked.  Eve ate.  Adam ate.  and you know the rest.

Likewise, when we focus on what we don’t have, we lose sight of what we DO have.  we lose focus of Jesus.  we lose focus of all that we have and all that we are in Him.  we start to doubt.  we start to seek comfort/control/security/whatever from people or things other than God.

BAM #1.  actually BAM #2 – BAM #1 was the conversation I had earlier with my friend who all but whacked me alongside the head and challenged me with the fact that either I trust God or I don’t.

then this morning at church, my pastor brought another message that I swear was just for me.  he talked about Peter and what happened when he saw Jesus walking on the water to the boat.  I know I’m totally cutting this summary of the message way short – you should listen to it when it’s up (SONrise Church Messages).  first he pointed out that Jesus was walking on the water – like, do you realize what that proves?  He is the God of all creation, He commands even the waters in the seas.  He.  Is.  AWESOME.  how quickly I fail to trust Him!

but then he pointed out that Peter at first walked on the water to Jesus.  he had faith.  then he started to sink.  he lost focus.  he began to doubt.  he began to focus on the waves, not on Jesus.  then he cried out for Jesus to save him.  and Jesus did.  oh the grace of God!!

dude – you need to just listen to the message.  I’m totally slaughtering it because there was so much more to it.

but – BAM #3.

focus.  it comes down to focus.  am I going to keep my focus on God and what He has called me to?  or am I going to worry and fear and doubt?  am I going to trust God or am I not?  there’s no in-between.

this song has been in my head so much this past week.  I decided I’d bite the bullet and record it and share if with you guys.  I don’t like hearing myself sing.  and I definitely don’t like sharing it with whoever comes across this post.  haha :) but it has been on my heart and I need to share it.

and forgive me that it cuts off at the end.  I couldn’t figure out how to fade it out on garageband.  :)  this is a song by United Pursuit Band called “Running in Circles”.

Running in Circles (Orig United Pursuit Band)

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten about you. I have many things I would love to post on you, actually. But you require time because as of right now, you have not learned how to read my thoughts and transfer them to blog posts (for which I am grateful - because my mind has like a bajillion things running thru it at any given time). I will make time for you soon.

Sincerely,
me