running in circles

I love when I get hit from so many different angles on the same exact topic.  that’s when I know God is really trying to get my attention, and out of His great love & mercy (and amazing patience), He is going to use all these different avenues until I get it.

I won’t cover every detail (although knowing me, this will turn out long anyways).  you can always ask me for the full story. :)  but this past week I realized I needed to start thinking about the future (“future” as in 2 months down the road, not 5 years down the road – I am SO not a 5-year plan person – way too much can happen and change in 5 years!).  I’ve been praying quite a bit about what to do once I’m done with this internship in August.  in reality, I could go anywhere.  anywhere in the world.  I don’t own a home.  I have no rental lease.  my source of income lets me work wherever I can get wi-fi access, which I’m sure there’s some sweet tiny hut on the island of tahiti that has wi-fi and I could totally go there.  in reality, I don’t need much to live.  just food, sunshine, and Jesus.

I often think about where I want to go next.  but my daydreaming doesn’t go far at all.  I start to think of a place, and then I get stumped as to what I would do there.  the only place I can see myself being right now is where I am…right now.  in this tiny Wyoming community that I have quickly grown to love.  God continues to open door after door here and He continues to blow me away by giving me the desires of my heart.  Psalm 37:4 – “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  I am experiencing this verse to be true and it is blowing my mind.

however – yes, there’s a “however”.

as much as I felt like God was leading me to stay here past August, I hadn’t verbally (or…textually…is that even a word?  it totally is now) made this known to anyone.  oh sure, I’d mention that I might stay around but still left it open in case God “moved me elsewhere”.  you know, the classic non-committal response to people’s questions as to what I’m going to do next.  ;)

well this past week, I talked with Paul & Cristine (refresher: I’ve been interning under Paul for the past year) about my plans.  I verbally acknowledged that I felt I was supposed to stick around past August.  why is it that when you finally verbalize something, it’s at that moment that you realize what that something really entails?  leading up to the verbalizing, you’re like…thinking it all out in your head and everything’s great and seems all put together.  then you verbalize it.  and then it’s like “oh…crap…wait a minute…now this is real…”

yeah that moment totally happened.

as soon as I verbalized it, I realized I didn’t have a place to live in this plan to stick around.  minor detail, right?  …yeah.

for various reasons that don’t need to be detailed on this blog, I went into a tailspin the next couple days.  I quickly started jumping to conclusions.  I started questioning if I had sensed God’s leading correctly.  maybe I really was supposed to go somewhere else.  but everywhere I kept running through my head as an option was just not glowing with the bright neon light saying “YES!  Go THERE!”  I had this overwhelming sense that if I gave up on this leading and went somewhere else, I would be restless and non-peace-having (I know there’s a word for that, but I can’t think of it).

so in my tailspin state of mind, I came to a logical conclusion.  I would live in my car.  that was the only solution so that I could continue on with what I felt God leading me to do.  that night I started sorting through my clothes, deciding what I could get rid of to downsize.  no really, I totally did.  haha

hey, at the time it seemed logical!!

thankfully, I have good friends who helped me regain common sense and put an end to the tailspin madness.  I realized I put God in WAY to small of a box.  my dreams are pathetically small.  I set my sights way too low.

I am created and sustained by the God of universe.  of the UNIVERSE!  the One who holds it all in motion!  the One who sent His Son to die for me so that I could have a right relationship with Him!  the One who gives me my every breath!

then this past Saturday night I had the chance to visit another local church (the one my grandparents went to when they were still alive, actually).  and the pastor’s message centered around Adam & Eve and the Fall. He pointed out that when Adam & Eve became discontent with what they had, they lost focus.  And then they became entangled in sin.  they had perfection fellowship with God.  they had it all.  but they became discontent with that.  they wanted more.  they wanted to be like God.  they wanted to know what He knew.  living in discontentment, satan striked.  Eve ate.  Adam ate.  and you know the rest.

Likewise, when we focus on what we don’t have, we lose sight of what we DO have.  we lose focus of Jesus.  we lose focus of all that we have and all that we are in Him.  we start to doubt.  we start to seek comfort/control/security/whatever from people or things other than God.

BAM #1.  actually BAM #2 – BAM #1 was the conversation I had earlier with my friend who all but whacked me alongside the head and challenged me with the fact that either I trust God or I don’t.

then this morning at church, my pastor brought another message that I swear was just for me.  he talked about Peter and what happened when he saw Jesus walking on the water to the boat.  I know I’m totally cutting this summary of the message way short – you should listen to it when it’s up (SONrise Church Messages).  first he pointed out that Jesus was walking on the water – like, do you realize what that proves?  He is the God of all creation, He commands even the waters in the seas.  He.  Is.  AWESOME.  how quickly I fail to trust Him!

but then he pointed out that Peter at first walked on the water to Jesus.  he had faith.  then he started to sink.  he lost focus.  he began to doubt.  he began to focus on the waves, not on Jesus.  then he cried out for Jesus to save him.  and Jesus did.  oh the grace of God!!

dude – you need to just listen to the message.  I’m totally slaughtering it because there was so much more to it.

but – BAM #3.

focus.  it comes down to focus.  am I going to keep my focus on God and what He has called me to?  or am I going to worry and fear and doubt?  am I going to trust God or am I not?  there’s no in-between.

this song has been in my head so much this past week.  I decided I’d bite the bullet and record it and share if with you guys.  I don’t like hearing myself sing.  and I definitely don’t like sharing it with whoever comes across this post.  haha :) but it has been on my heart and I need to share it.

and forgive me that it cuts off at the end.  I couldn’t figure out how to fade it out on garageband.  :)  this is a song by United Pursuit Band called “Running in Circles”.

Running in Circles (Orig United Pursuit Band)