“What was there to fear???”

I’ve put off writing this post for nearly a month now, mainly because I didn’t want to say one thing on here and live differently in my every day life.  but after going back and forth for nearly a month now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m human.

surprise!!!  I’m human!!!

I know, most of you are probably sitting there with your mouth dropped open in shock.  I totally understand. 

but yes, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m human.  it is inevitable.  I will come across as a hypocrite sometimes because I’m human.  I mess up.  I slip back into bad habits.  I’ve got my own struggles that remind me that I am a sinner saved by grace.  and that grace is so sweet.  that grace is patient.  that grace is forgiving.  that grace is wrapped up and given to me with unfailing love.  I’ve got my own struggles that remind me that I am weak.  crazy weak.  in desperate need of an unfathomably strong Savior.

all that to say, I’m continuing on with the battle against fear.  one of the hardest battles of my life, that’s for sure.  but blessed and thankful to be surrounded by amazing people who love Jesus deeply. and that love, patience, and encouragement overflows to me in unbelievable amounts.

I recently found out that my grandpa, who passed away in 2007, battled fear all his life.  I had no idea.  yet it was a really big battle in his life.

about a month ago, I was nearly at the end of my rope with this battle.  I felt defeated, like it was a hopeless cause.  so I got in my car and drove.  because what else do you do when you’re in that state of mind?  :)

I drove about 30 miles or so to Scottsbluff, NE – mainly because it was the closest resemblance to civilization, plus my mom’s side of the family is from that area so it feels like another home.  I drove all around Scottsbluff, going to random places.  I decided to drive up to the Monument.  I turned down the road I thought might lead to it, and as I drove I realized it was the road that went by the cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  I had completely forgotten it was on the same road as the Monument.  so I pulled in.

it was a beautiful day.  like in the 70’s and sunny.  so I got out of my car and sat on my grandparent’s headstone (I don’t know if that’s proper etiquette, but I don’t care – I know my grandpa wouldn’t have minded :) ). 

as I sat there, I was thinking about my grandpa and his own battle with fear.  I wondered, now that he’s in Heaven and has seen Jesus and everything else we can only imagine, what would he say now about fear? 

would he still be like, “oh – yeah, I see You now, Jesus – You’re pretty awesome, but I still had reason to fear while I was on earth”?

um…pretty 157% sure that’s a huge NO.

as I thought about this, I came to the conclusion that, upon entering the glorious presence of His Savior, my grandpa probably at some point exclaimed, “WHAT WAS THERE TO FEAR??”

I’ve been trying to remind myself of this lately.  for example, last Sunday, during the Easter service, I had a moment of freak-outage while playing the drums.  I realized there was a ton more people there than we had expected.  I found myself thinking, “what am I doing?!  I’m not a drummer!  I can’t do this!”  then God’s grace kicked in.  He reminded me of that warm, sunny afternoon sitting on my grandparent’s headstone.  “What in the world is there to fear??”

oh the peace that comes when you realize the very One who created “strength” to begin with is inconceivably stronger than you could ever imagine.  He’s got you.  He created the vast universe, then decided to create these living, breathing specimens called humans.  He was loving enough to create these things called humans with a choice – to choose whether they wanted to love Him and glorify Him or not.  He knew we’d choose to love other things besides Him.  He knew we would choose to do things our own way (AKA sin).  He cared enough about us to send His own Son, Jesus, to come to earth in human form to die a horrid death on the cross, as the ultimate sacrifice to conquer sin and death so that we could have a restored, personal relationship with the living God, the Creator of everything we see, the Creator of the vast universe.

um…He loves us.  a lot.  that’s an understatement.

so what is there to fear?