Attn: Worship Leaders–A Proposed Detox from Worship Music

I never thought I would advocate taking a break from listening to worship music.  sure, listen to other music if you want.  but to intentionally stop listening to it for a time?  why would I do that?

yet here I find myself – on a detox from listening to (most) worship music on my ipod, computer, phone, and whatever other means of audible projection I may have.

here’s why:

it wasn’t until January 14, 2011 that I ever in my life led worship – though I felt God calling me to do it years and years (and…years) before that.  about 6 months later I found myself interning with Continuous Worship ministries for a month (which turned into 4-ish months.  … which has now turned into a year internship).

finding myself in the worship leader position from time to time, and wanting to grow as a worship leader, I realized I had a lot of “catching up” (or learning) to do.  I found myself watching youtube videos of some of my favorite worship leaders leading worship.  studying how they interact with people.  how they cue their band.  how they lead others before the throne of God in musical worship.

and, of course, listening to these people lead worship for hours on end (my iTunes had, at one time, tracked me listening to “How He Loves” – Kim Walker version – over 350 times…that was like a year or so ago…true story…ok, confession time is OVER!).

it sounds all well and good, right?

then rose the evil weed of comparison.  oh sure, it disguised itself as this beautiful flower for awhile.  I mean, if you’re pursuing growing as a worship leader, why wouldn’t you want to develop the gift/skill/ability God has given you?  why wouldn’t you look to those who have led you into some of the most deepest times of worship in order to learn from them?

don’t get me wrong, that has its place.  and there are so many passages in Scripture (particularly the Old Testament) when God calls those skilled in music to lead the worship.  there’s a place to grow & learn, there’s a place to develop the skills God’s given you.

but I think there’s also room to be yourself.  and simply…worship the magnificent Creator of the universe and the Savior of the world.

I hit this wall last week (actually I’ve been hitting it, but I just realized last week what the wall was made of).  I seized up.  I found myself trying to play and sing and have this sweet time of worship (it wasn’t during a church service, thankfully) and all I was doing was getting frustrated with myself.  my guitar playing sounded off.  the mic was accentuating every single flaw in my voice.  meanwhile, I was trying to think, if I was leading this song before a group of people, do I make eye contact or is it OK to just keep my eyes closed?  how can I most effectively shepherd people into the pasture to feast and worship the one, true Shepherd?  how can I sing this song a little different so it doesn’t get boring?  what is my stage presence like?  does it even matter what my stage presence is like?  what am I going to eat for dinner? (ok maybe that thought didn’t go through my head – although there is a good chance it did because food is often part of my thought process)

I finally stopped.  I stopped playing.  I stopped singing.  I just wanted to get in my car, drive, and cry because I couldn’t get past the wall.

as I processed through what happened, I realized one of the biggest culprits of the wall was “comparison”.  I was trying to lead like someone I’m not.  I was wanting to lead like someone I’m not and getting frustrated that I couldn’t be free enough to lead like they lead.

I had forgotten what it was like to simply…worship.  I had forgotten what it was like to simply worship my Creator as He has created me to be.  not as He has created others to be.  but as He has uniquely created me to be.

funny enough, I heard Kari Jobe say this on a youtube video I was watching only a couple weeks earlier.  she said, “Comparison will be the #1 thing that keeps you from doing what God is calling you to do".

when I first heard that, I thought, “wow, yeah – that’s really good”.

then it REALLY hit me last week.

comparing ourselves may very well be the #1 thing that keeps us from doing what God is calling us to do.

and so, in an effort to re-learn what it’s like to simply worship my God who sits on the throne, I’m taking a break from the studying.  I’m taking a break from the listening.

what do you need to re-learn?

“What was there to fear???”

I’ve put off writing this post for nearly a month now, mainly because I didn’t want to say one thing on here and live differently in my every day life.  but after going back and forth for nearly a month now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m human.

surprise!!!  I’m human!!!

I know, most of you are probably sitting there with your mouth dropped open in shock.  I totally understand. 

but yes, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m human.  it is inevitable.  I will come across as a hypocrite sometimes because I’m human.  I mess up.  I slip back into bad habits.  I’ve got my own struggles that remind me that I am a sinner saved by grace.  and that grace is so sweet.  that grace is patient.  that grace is forgiving.  that grace is wrapped up and given to me with unfailing love.  I’ve got my own struggles that remind me that I am weak.  crazy weak.  in desperate need of an unfathomably strong Savior.

all that to say, I’m continuing on with the battle against fear.  one of the hardest battles of my life, that’s for sure.  but blessed and thankful to be surrounded by amazing people who love Jesus deeply. and that love, patience, and encouragement overflows to me in unbelievable amounts.

I recently found out that my grandpa, who passed away in 2007, battled fear all his life.  I had no idea.  yet it was a really big battle in his life.

about a month ago, I was nearly at the end of my rope with this battle.  I felt defeated, like it was a hopeless cause.  so I got in my car and drove.  because what else do you do when you’re in that state of mind?  :)

I drove about 30 miles or so to Scottsbluff, NE – mainly because it was the closest resemblance to civilization, plus my mom’s side of the family is from that area so it feels like another home.  I drove all around Scottsbluff, going to random places.  I decided to drive up to the Monument.  I turned down the road I thought might lead to it, and as I drove I realized it was the road that went by the cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  I had completely forgotten it was on the same road as the Monument.  so I pulled in.

it was a beautiful day.  like in the 70’s and sunny.  so I got out of my car and sat on my grandparent’s headstone (I don’t know if that’s proper etiquette, but I don’t care – I know my grandpa wouldn’t have minded :) ). 

as I sat there, I was thinking about my grandpa and his own battle with fear.  I wondered, now that he’s in Heaven and has seen Jesus and everything else we can only imagine, what would he say now about fear? 

would he still be like, “oh – yeah, I see You now, Jesus – You’re pretty awesome, but I still had reason to fear while I was on earth”?

um…pretty 157% sure that’s a huge NO.

as I thought about this, I came to the conclusion that, upon entering the glorious presence of His Savior, my grandpa probably at some point exclaimed, “WHAT WAS THERE TO FEAR??”

I’ve been trying to remind myself of this lately.  for example, last Sunday, during the Easter service, I had a moment of freak-outage while playing the drums.  I realized there was a ton more people there than we had expected.  I found myself thinking, “what am I doing?!  I’m not a drummer!  I can’t do this!”  then God’s grace kicked in.  He reminded me of that warm, sunny afternoon sitting on my grandparent’s headstone.  “What in the world is there to fear??”

oh the peace that comes when you realize the very One who created “strength” to begin with is inconceivably stronger than you could ever imagine.  He’s got you.  He created the vast universe, then decided to create these living, breathing specimens called humans.  He was loving enough to create these things called humans with a choice – to choose whether they wanted to love Him and glorify Him or not.  He knew we’d choose to love other things besides Him.  He knew we would choose to do things our own way (AKA sin).  He cared enough about us to send His own Son, Jesus, to come to earth in human form to die a horrid death on the cross, as the ultimate sacrifice to conquer sin and death so that we could have a restored, personal relationship with the living God, the Creator of everything we see, the Creator of the vast universe.

um…He loves us.  a lot.  that’s an understatement.

so what is there to fear?

Ode to Zeva Louise

 

you know you’ve bonded with your car when, after over 2 years of driving her, you still walk out to the parking lot and as soon as you see her, you exclaim, “oh look at her!  she’s so cute!”  when I’m out of town without Zeva, I often greet her upon my return with, “awww!  hey baby girl!”  true story.

in Florida, Zeva was just plain cute and fun.  here in Torrington, WY, Zeva turns heads.  some of the memorable experiences so far:

-a friend of ours came over and when he walked in, he goes, “Did you know someone left a box on your driveway with an engine in it?”  now, since we had just moved in, I was thoroughly confused and thought that, well, maybe this was some kind of cowboy-culture welcome gift I didn’t know about.  some initiation to the neighborhood, if you will.  our friend kept telling us he was serious.  eventually, I realized he was referring to my car.  :)

-while going through the drive-thru at McDonalds (I was getting oatmeal, ok?  c’mon!), the kid working the window exclaims, “cool box car!!!!”  the kid was so stoked to see Zeva.  he knew all about Scion xB’s.  yet his eyes were so big with excitement that I wondered if he’d ever actually seen one in real life.  I like to think that Zeva totally made his day.  realistically, he probably totally forgot about her within 45 seconds of me pulling away.  but I didn’t tell Zeva that.

-the other day at church, Paul told a high school boy to take some of the music equipment out to my car.  the conversation went something like this:

Paul: “Hey – take this out to Jen’s car.”"
Kid: “Which car is it?”
Paul: “The car that looks like a box!”
Kid: “OH!  That one?  The one that totally doesn’t look like it belongs in Wyoming?”
Me (I was walking right behind him, he didn’t realize it): “That’s because she’s from Florida!!”
Kid (turning around, surprised I had heard him): “Ooooh – that explains it.”

-while getting out of Zeva at the coffee shop, an older man walking by stopped and had a big smile on his face.  he asked me what kind of car it was, how it handled with the wind, and what kind of gas mileage it got.  I’m pretty proud of her gas mileage (once I got 36mpg with her!) – but she does get blown around a lot with the wind.  so when I told him that part, I made sure we had walked a little ways away from Zeva so she didn’t hear.

-while leaving the grocery store the other night, a dad with his little boy (maybe 3 or 4 years old) walked by and the kid was looking at my car and exclaimed, “cool car!!!!!”  sooooo cute.

I definitely have not seen any other xB’s in town yet.  sometimes I feel totally out of place driving Zeva around.  but that’s OK.  if we start feeling too comfortable, it’ll be a sign to move on I suppose.  ;)

Costa Rica la Minita!

actually that’s just a really good coffee blend I love getting from a coffee shop called Herman’s Boy in Rockford Michigan.  they also sell the coffee that’s pooped from monkeys or cats or something.  that coffee is NOT called Costa Rica la Minita.

ANYWAY – I’m headed to Costa Rica for a short, 1-week missions trip in July!  check it out:

Howdy!  Ok I’m kidding.  I can’t pull off the “howdy” greeting.  I may be living in Wyoming right now, but I am totally not “country” – not yet, anyway.  :)  I want to let you know about an opportunity I have to go to Costa Rica this summer!

Since July 2011, I have been interning with Continuous Worship ministries, a ministry my cousin (Cristine) and her husband (Paul) started in 2010.  When I first came out, we were based in Cheyenne, WY.  Recently, we’ve moved to Torrington, WY where we a part of a new church plant that started in the summer of 2011.  I am loving it!  There is a crazy hunger for God in this community.  Week after week, we continue to see new faces on Sunday morning.  As an intern, I’m getting to learn and grow in the gifts God has given me, specifically in the area of music.  Leading worship has been something I’ve felt God asking me to do for years upon years, but always told Him “no” out of fear (I love being in front of people – and that is a totally not true statement. Ha J ).  But I came to the point where I knew I had to be obedient to the passion God had placed in my heart, and be obedient with the gifts He has given me to use for His glory.

And so here I sit, in Torrington, WY.  Land of…cows.  And rodeo.  Feeling totally out of place but feeling more alive than I have in a long time.  I’m learning what it means to step out in faith, doing hard things, and relying on God’s strength and not my own – because, after all, He is shown so strong and magnificent in our weaknesses, isn’t He?  (2 Cor. 12:9)  I’ve been trying to capture some of the things on my blog, getstoked.blogspot.com – check it out!

I am really excited to share with you what God is doing in my life and ask that you would consider praying for me over the upcoming months as I prepare to head to San Jose, Costa Rica for a week in July (the 6th-14th).  

Why I am super excited for this trip:
·         I have been praying for an opportunity to go to a Spanish-speaking country for a couple years now.  I really enjoy the warm, Hispanic culture and the language.  Over the past year or so, I have been working on learning the Spanish version of worship songs.  I am hoping to be able to lead others in these songs of worship while I am in Costa Rica.
·         Of the 8 people going on this trip from our church, 6 of them have never been on a missions trip outside of the US.  I am SO excited to walk with them through this adventure, because I know how God has used these types of trips to radically change my life.  Additionally, 2 high school girls from our church are going and I am hoping to get to disciple them in and through this opportunity.
·         We are also partnering with SportReach, a ministry that uses sports as a mean to share the Gospel.  We are hoping to run a sports camp for the week we are down there and this would include volleyball – a sport I could play all day, every day if I could.  :)
·         The organization we are, E3, is dedicated to truly partnering with the churches they minister with.  This means returning to the same place over and over, building relationships and encouraging the local believers.

The cost of the trip is $2,100. $2,100 seems like a lot for a 1 week missions trip to Costa Rica, right?  After talking with those involved with E3, I now understand where the money goes.  Yes, it goes toward airfare, lodging, food, travel insurance, etc.  But it also goes toward equipping us with ministry tools (sports equipment for sharing the Gospel, eye glasses to give out at an eye clinic, Spanish Bibles, etc.) as well as equipping the local church in San Jose that we are partnering with, leaving them with resources to continue with “I am Second” small groups and other evangelism tools.

I would be incredibly blessed and strengthened if you would partner with me in praying for our team, the people in Costa Rica we will come in contact with, and for myself.   If you feel led to give financially, I would also be incredibly blessed.  If you feel God is giving you this opportunity, please send checks to our church and make a note of my name on the check or on an enclosed slip of paper: SONrise Church, PO Box 415, Torrington, WY 82240

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this!!!

keep it real.
-Jen
E3: http://e3partners.org/ 
My email: stokedauntjen@gmail.com

the man with the green, fleece beret

ever have one of those moments where you just keep asking yourself, “is this really happening?”

I had one of those today.

I had gone to the library to get some work done early this evening and decided to stop by the coffee shop connected to the library first (because I had a coupon for a free drink – um, hello – don’t have to ask me twice).  I order a decaf soy hazelnut latte.  and a voice behind me asks if I had just ordered soy in my drink.  totally confused, I turn around and there is this man (probably in his 50’s at least), wearing amazingly short shorts (yes, sadly, shorter than I would ever wear – I kid you not), a white shirt (or so I thought – I’ll get back to that), a jacket, black ray ban sunglasses (yes, we were inside…yet he was wearing them) and a green, fleece beret.

ok back to ordering the latte.  so he starts asking all these questions about soy – he didn’t know you could put soy in coffee drinks.  he wondered what the benefits were to it.  he wondered why I chose soy.  to which I told him I was allergic to dairy.  to which he threw up his hands and apologized for asking.

then he noticed that the back of my shirt said “Marathon, Florida” and he asked if I was from there and said he used to live in Jacksonville.  he was so excited to hear I was from Marathon – for a split second I felt like a celebrity.

then my drink was ready and I go to leave and he asks if I had a minute, that he would love to hear about the Keys if I had time.  I figured God had put this guy in my path for some reason so I sat down.

about 1/2 way thru the conversation, he takes his jacket off to reveal he wasn’t wearing a white t-shirt – no, he was wearing a stretched out wife beater.  so suddenly the already awkward situation turned even awkwarder (that’s not a word but it should be),

so there I sit across the small table from this man wearing illegally short shorts, a stretched out wife beater, ray bans, and a green fleece beret.  he kept his sunglasses on most of the time and would talk to me while looking over the top of his glasses.  it was very interesting. and confusing all at the same time.

we talked about a lot of random things.  he ended up pulling out his laptop because he wanted to look up pictures of Marathon, FL.  one of the pictures that came up was the Dolphin Research Center, which is right by my house.  I shared my fun bit of info that the original Flipper dolphin was buried under the dolphin statue in the picture.  he was totally stoked.  we talked about Key West.  a lot.  I had to keep reminding him I didn’t live in Key West.  but if you’re not from the Keys, it’s hard to understand that the “Keys” consist of more than just Key West.  :)

the whole time we were talking, I was silently asking God to allow the conversation to move toward Him.  I assumed this unexpected coffee chat was happening for a reason.

God is always faithful.  :)

sure enough, God allowed the conversation to be steered toward the “spiritual” side of things.  this guy is an agnostic, so he doesn’t really know what he thinks about God.  it was cool to get to converse with him about the Bible and Jesus and whether Jesus was who He said He was.

an hour later (yes…an hour…), I finally told him I had to go so I could get some of my work done.  I left him googling Lee Strobel and his book, The Case for Christ.  :)  as I left, I prayed he would really read it like he said he might.

did I mention he asked if he could take me out for dinner some time and play trivia? (he loves trivia – he was googling the Berean church and quizzing me – to which I unfortunately let him down many times because I didn’t know the answers to the random questions)  yeah – hmm…I just kind of giggled and quickly changed the subject.

and so me and the man with the green, fleece beret parted ways.