sweetly broken

in just over 2 hours, a plane will be taking off in Denver, headed for Fort Lauderdale.  I had a seat on that plane.

and in 2 hours that plane will take off without me.

disclaimer: this might turn into a long post.  so here, I’ll summarize and then if you want the details, keep reading.  :)

Paul & Cristine came to me Sunday night, feeling that God had laid on their hearts to at least talk to me about sticking around 2 more weeks.  no pressure to change my ticket, but they just felt like they couldn’t not say something.  if I left today, I would miss out on the opportunity to join with them in some super exciting ministry times (mainly worship leading) that are coming up in the next 2 weeks.  God convicted me of selfishness and the desire to be in control (once again – a common fault of mine).  He reminded me thru a friend that the whole reason I came up here was to pursue using the gifts God’s given me in ministry.

there.  that’s the super short, condensed version.  I personally think the detailed version is a lot more exciting but I won’t make you read it all.  but if you do read this whole post, there is a secret prize hidden within the text.

ok I’m totally lying about the secret prize.  I know, some of you probably totally fell for it.  I’m so bad at lying.

the details (probably more for my own interest, because I also use my blog as a journal and I want to be able to look back on this and remember):

2 Fridays ago, I left work not sure at all when my temp job’s end date was.  I kept getting mixed answers and the last I heard, it was going to go longer than the original agreement, which would end this past Friday (the 4th I think).  so in my mind, I was prepared to work thru like the 15th or something, stay for the high school retreat that weekend that Paul’s in charge of the worship at, and then head home the 21st or 22nd.  and I was OK with that plan.

last monday, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that that Friday would be my last day.  she’s so great :)  she’s a friend of my Aunt’s and the previous week she had asked me what my thoughts were about staying on at the job and I was honest with her that I was wanting something more flexible because my whole point of coming up here was to do ministry.  so, in her words, she was going to “release” me to pursue where my heart was.

so my mind flips into survival mode.  I’m super stretched on money.  now I wouldn’t have those 2 extra weeks of work for income.  and if I still stuck around for the high school retreat, that would mean 2 whole weeks of not having a job to keep me occupied. killer.  I nearly went crazy when I first got up here and didn’t have a job for the first 2 1/2 weeks. so last tuesday I booked a ticket to fly home this tuesday (today).  I planned to get right to work at my dad’s this week and start saving up $ for my return up here in january.  totally made sense to me and gave me relief knowing $ would be coming in and I wouldn’t be sitting around going crazy with so much free time.

it’s funny, looking back on everything, I specifically remember every time I told people I was going home and that it was more of a “financial reason”, I had this whisper in my head going, “financial reason?  wow…that’s a pretty selfish, wanting-to-be-in-control reason”.  but I kept telling myself it was just me being wise.  which maybe it totally would be.  but … ok I’m getting off track…

SO.  anyway.  here comes Sunday night.  hey, Sunday night, how you doin’?  I had gone to Denver to meet up with my YWAM fam friday night and came back saturday afternoon so I didn’t get to go to Torrington with my family here. (we’ve been going there almost every saturday afternoon, having dinner/Bible study with the worship team and then rehearsal.  then we spend the night out there and help with the service in the morning.  it’s a brand new church plant that started in August).  Paul & Cristine & the kids returned sunday afternoon and we’re all sitting around drinking french press coffee, watching football, playing words with friends (and getting ticked at each other but that’s beside the point) :), and then watching Despicable Me with the kids. you know, enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon/evening.  I was planning to pack on Monday.  I had already talked to like 2 or 3 people that afternoon about coming home and getting excited.

and then it happened.  yeah, IT happened.

oh wait!  no no no – hold on.  I forgot a detail.  I know, hard to to believe because right now, this is going so long that if you’re still reading, you probably can’t remember a time before this blog post started.  (Mriss – that was an allusion to a movie quote – c’mon, call it!)  but this detail is the whole reason for the title of this post.

earlier in the evening, I had left my guitar out hoping Paul would play. :) and then I got out the chord chart for “Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle because I had heard it a few times on the radio and found out Paul knew it and had the chord chart and I wanted to record it before I went home so I didn’t have to buy the real version (hi, el cheapo talking here). but he didn’t really want to play it because he didn’t want to play it just to play it.  it had to be the right moment.  which I wasn’t sure was going to come that night and I was bummed.  but then…

IT happened.  (did you just hear a suspenseful musical moment in your head?  like we’re in a movie and “dun-dun-duuunnnn”… ok yeah me neither)

hold on, I’m getting goofy now.  this is totally not goofy.  ok let me regain seriousness (it’s really hard for me sometimes).

so sunday night Paul and Cristine wanted to talk with me.  God had laid it on both of their hearts to share their thoughts with me before I left.  I totally love these guys.  we’ve had a few tough conversations over the past couple months while I’ve been up here but every time it is completely evident that they’re doing it in love and that makes all the difference in confrontations, doesn’t it?  because I’ve certainly had those conversations with people where I go away from it thinking, “were they just doing that because they’re trying to find something to pick on?”

they asked me to reconsider staying for a couple more weeks.  to live intentionally these next 2 weeks and be willing to be “all in” and be willing to be pulled even more out of my comfort zone.  we have ministry opportunities at church this weekend and then at the high school retreat the following weekend (which I had originally really wanted to stay for anyway because I love high schoolers!).  but they were clear that no matter what decision I made, they would support me and that I couldn’t make a '”wrong” decision because God is so much bigger than that.  nonetheless, the majority of the time we talked I curled over in my chair with my head buried in a pillow…did I mention I don’t take confrontation well?  hahaha :)  I had no idea what to do.  my mind was set that I was going to be leaving Tuesday for the Keys.  I was going to be able to go to Tiff’s wedding this friday.  and yeah, the whole time since I booked the ticket there was a part of me sad that I was going to miss the high school retreat and also just having some time to chill and write/play music (I’m totally thankful for God’s provision of the temp job here and I think I blogged about that a little while back – but working full time did take me away from some ministry opportunities and that irked me).

so like…I’m sitting there, head buried in the pillow, not saying a whole lot.  wrestling with God.  was He really asking me to surrender my desire to be warm and be in the place that I love with people that I love and was super excited to see?  wasn’t I make the wise decision by doing what was financially smart?  and yet I couldn’t just take this decision lightly anymore because it was obvious God had laid this on their hearts for a reason and they had the balls to come to me with it.

and then Paul picked up the guitar and started playing/singing Sweetly Broken.  I’ll put the lyrics at the bottom of this post. but it’s all about Jesus and what He did on the cross and our response.  this line, “You draw me gently, to my knees…I’m sweetly broken…wholly surrendered” wrecked me.  I felt God was asking me, once again, to wholly surrender to Him.  to trust Him to provide anything I was going to need financially by staying up here 2 more weeks.  by trusting that He is all I need and that He is enough to satisfy me during these 2 weeks of not having a job to occupy my time.  it was like He was saying, “we get these 2 weeks together to really hang out together.  I want You to be in My Word.  I want you to sit and write the songs that I give You.  I want You to surrender your fear and go all in these next couple weeks, especially in ministry.'”

and I love that phrase, “You draw me gently to my knees.”  He doesn’t forcefully throw us down.  He is so kind.  He is so gentle.  and thru Paul & Cristine, I felt His caring love.

so.  I had texted Lisa later that night and asked her what she thought I should do.  :)  and the turning point came when she reminded me that the whole reason I came up here was to pursue worship leading and using the gifts God’s given me and here there were going to be like…at least 4 or 5 opportunities in the next 2 weeks to do just that.  and that I was crazy for not staying.  :)  so monday morning I changed my ticket to Nov 21st (for now).

and I am filled with this eager expectancy of what God wants to do these next 2 weeks.  oh that His glory would be revealed and reflected!

Sweetly Broken
by Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Bridge:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness