i will not fear

for the month of july, i am interning with my cousins’ worship ministry called Continuous Worship.  this week we are out at Maranatha Bible Camp right outside North Platte, NE.

this morning we led worship for the family camp that is going on this week.  ha – that’s kinda funny.  the 3 of us doing the worship are family, and it’s family camp.  :)  it’s ok, you can giggle.

this morning was humbling.

so, as colds always seem to have the best timing ever, I started coming down with a cold Sunday night and it’s continued to progress over the past couple days.  last night I skipped the 4th of July festivities in hopes of sleeping from 7pm-7am.  I slept from about 7pm-11pm.  then I tossed and turned the rest of the night.  I hate colds.  pretty sure they’re a result from the fall of man.  thanks, Eve.

(side note: if this post is jumbled and out of order, I blame it on this cold – I keep getting up every few minutes to blow my nose)

this morning I read through Psalm 103.  I love that Psalm.  these 3 verses stood out to me today:

verse 8: “The Lord is compassionate & gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”

verse 11: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him.”

verse: 13: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.”

while I feel like God has called me to be a worshipper (as all His children should be), I wrestle with Him because I get scared out of my mind about being a lead worshipper – I don’t like getting up in front of people and singing.  but ever since I surrendered that to Him while I was on outreach in Norway and started trusting God instead of fearing man, I have experienced His strength and power over and over.  He is faithful.

so those verses in Psalm 103 were awesome reminders of God’s promises to those who fear Him, for those who trust in Him and His character.  so I resolved not to be anxious about leading worship, but instead to trust in God’s unfailing character.

however – lest I start relying on my own strength and not God’s, He keeps me humble.  about 3 minutes before the worship time started, my cousin asked how I was doing.  I told him I wished I wasn’t sick with this cold, but that I felt peace about being on stage.  as soon as I said that, I suddenly felt like I was going to throw-up. haha :)  I made a urgent trip to the bathroom and, sure enough, as soon as I got to the bathroom, I threw up.  :)  which was the exact reason I always turned people down when they asked me to lead worship over the past 26 years of my life.  I was afraid I’d throw up.  :)  because that’s what Jen does.  when she’s had to give speeches in the past, she’s thrown up.  it’s just what Jen does best sometimes.

it was at that moment in the bathroom stall that I was faced with a big decision.  either give in to this thorn in my flesh and run from the task ahead, or defiantly decide to fear God and not fear man and go forward anyway – whether I threw up on the stage or not.  :)

in the past, I would’ve fled.  I would’ve ran.  but I have experienced God’s strength in my weakness far too many times now to let fear of man determine my actions.

I didn’t feel like getting up and worshipping this morning.  I didn’t feel like singing into a mic with the altered voice this cold has left me with.  but I tried to do my best and let God take care of the rest (movie quote: Facing the Giants), voice cracking and all. it probably was a bit of a funky worship time on my part, but I have to trust God can and will still use me even when I’m not only weak, but sick and weak.  :)  and PS - I didn’t throw up during the worship time.  :)

later in the day, a jr high/high school age girl came up to me and told me she really liked my voice.  I was shocked.  I’m like, “really??  but I’m…sick…” and she goes, “oh, well I really liked your voice!”.  it was the encouraging reminder I needed – the reminder that God can use us even when we think we’re weak.

I hope that what you get from this entry (if you’re still reading) is that God is strong.  He is strong enough to help us face any battle that comes our way. and He is faithful.  His love for those who fear Him, who trust Him, is greater than the space between the heavens and the earth.

2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”