‘round the bend

i’m munching on a chocolate chip cookie right now.  but i’ll get back to that.

i’ve been a little double-O-C (Out Of Commission) on my blogging the last few weeks.  it’s been one of those phases where there was more darkness than light and i don’t want to turn into a blogger who uses their blog to go off on the world and proclaim “woe is me” on every post.  so i stayed away from blogging the last few weeks.

but i think i’m on the mend.  my heart, my soul, my mind took a journey i did not see coming into a darkness that left me joyful yet fighting to feel happy – because, after all, there is a huge difference between joyfulness and happiness.  i ought to always be able to have joy and have it abundantly because of what Jesus Christ has done for me.  happiness, however, is circumstantial.  it comes and goes.

i think i’m back from the journey now.  at least, well on my way back.

during the past few weeks, i’ve cried.  a lot.  and i don’t usually cry easily.  even when i was little and my parents would spank me (yes, even with the leather belt), i would rarely cry.  actually, i’d laugh.  :P  i laugh when i’m in pain.  i’m weird.

i’ve cried to God for direction. for restored friendships.  for direction.  for true joy and happiness to return.  for dir-- (can you guess it?) – direction.  and i’ve been praying to know God’s love for me in a fresh and new way and longing to long for Jesus more.

this past week was better than the 2 weeks preceding.  the intimacy i feel with God when i’m struggling is so beautiful and sweet.  sometimes He feels far off.  but this past week He has felt so much closer.  and i’ve started praying on my knees.  it is amazing how your prayer posture can change your prayer life.

so in the midst of everything, i’ve been praying to know God’s love and joy more.  today in church, our pastor spoke on Ephesians 2 – he went thru the whole chapter. read the chapter (it’s not long).

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” – verses 4 & 5

it is by GRACE that i have been saved.  i have been asking for more joy and He has opened my eyes to His magnificent grace.  it’s a word that is tossed around so flippantly in the “Christian lingo”. 

the chapter goes on to say:

“…in order that in the coming ages He [God] might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” – verse 7

the incomparable riches of God’s grace to me is shown to me thru the love of Jesus – the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins so that i stand before God and be seen has clean and forgiven.

God is revealing to me His grace in a new and fresh way.  And He’s revealing it to me thru Jesus’ sacrifice.  and that is helping me long for Jesus.  and all of this is creating a welling up of joy within me.

God – You stoke me beyond measure.  seriously.  I ask You for more of You and You do not withhold Yourself.

ok back to the chocolate chip cookie.

i was listening to a Francis Chan podcast tonight (called Motivated by Grace – ha – there’s the grace thing again).  and he was talking about how our lives need to be showing Jesus to others.  the grace God has shown us thru Jesus Christ – that grace we need to show to others, even those that don’t seem to deserve it.

and while the podcast is finishing up, someone knocks on my door (i’m still staying at the apartment).  i open the door and it’s Mr. Rick, my next door neighbor and he gave me a container of chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies!  just out of the blue, for no reason.

i’m not sure he even knows Christ, but what a timely example of grace!  i have done nothing for Mr. Rick except talk to him when i see him in his yard when i get home from work.  and yet he brought me these cookies.

i just realized this, but in Ephesians 2:8-9, right after the verse i quoted a few paragraphs up, it says:

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”

crazy how God just illustrated that verse, His grace, to me thru Mr. Rick tonight.  …wow.

i am learning a lot right now.  all glory to God.

keep it real.

-jen

Eggs

I tried to make eggs this morning. I haven't done that in a long time. It looked fine at first. Then it started hissing and popping at me. I stood leaning back from the stove, spatula held over the egg so I was ready to attack if they caught on fire (yes, traumatized by the flaming steak incident). This is what resulted:





I don't know what happened. The yoke came apart from the white stuff. And then everything was hissing and crackling. And the "jen living on her own" diet continues...

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Straight from the bottle

I drink out of the bottle. Because I can. :)

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risk

if i die tomorrow, what regrets would i have?  this question came during small group last week.  we’re reading thru Francis Chan’s Crazy Love book.  i’ve read it a couple times already.  love this book.  i love the way God speaks thru Francis Chan to shake up lukewarm followers of Christ.

so i made a list of regrets i would have, off the top of my head.

-not using the voice God’s given me (musically)
-not stepping out in faith more
-not sharing the Gospel more
-not living intentionally
-being too selfish to step out and talk to people
-allowing fears to hold me back
-a lacking prayer life & intimacy with God
-not pushing myself or allowing myself to be pushed

i made this list a week ago after small group.  tonight, after small group, i was helping clean up and ended up getting in a discussion about how i don’t take many risks in my life.  i was reminded of how many times i’ve said i feel like i haven’t lived life and what it often comes down to is i am handcuffed by fear.  and that kind of fear only comes from satan.

oh that makes me so mad.  to think every time i fear something, it’s from lies that i have believed.  i hate satan.  i hate sin.  i hate fear and its hold on me.  i would use more harsher language but don’t want to shock anyone :)

so i just got back to “my side” (the apartment – i call it “my side” for now :) ) and pulled out the list i made last week of regrets i would have if i died tomorrow.  i hadn’t realized it when i wrote the list, but now i totally see a running theme throughout almost all of the things – i don’t take risks!  i fear failure.  i fear failing others.  and i fear failing God.

i know i need to start taking risks and doing things the best way i know how and if i “fail”, at least i took the risk and tried my best.

i want to be careful not to necessarily take risks for the sake of taking risks – you know, like do crazy things just for the ability to boast about what i did or attempted.  i want to take risks for the glory of God.  otherwise it seems kind of selfish to me.

1 Corinthians 10:31 - “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

i want to try – NO – wait.  i AM GOING to take a risk at least once a week.  i’m going to try to take a risk daily.  but at least once a week.  what that’ll look like, i have no clue.

(start “New Day” by the Robbie Seay Band…now)

one final thing - last night i came off my cooking sabbatical (haven’t cooked since i started the fire last monday – ha).  i went back to  something i’ve made before.  spaghetti.  and i didn’t burn anything or ruin anything!  however, if i had started another fire, i was all set – before Shane left for Bible study, he set the fire extinguisher out in the corner of the kitchen.  reeeeeal funny.

keep it real.
~jenny machaaaado~

 

(haha i say “keep it real” and then i sign off with a fake name.  i crack myself up.  i’m really funny if you don’t think about it too much.)

bam

monday night’s cooking fiasco has sent me into a funk.

ironically, for the past week i’ve been studying gentleness as part of the fruit of the Spirit.  and part of gentleness is teachability – being teachable.  now, i had been going thru this part of the study thinking “ok, i need to be teachable so whatever God wants to teach me, i’ll learn it”.  i forget that He so often uses other people or events in our lives to teach us stuff – not only when i’m reading His Word.

i am so not teachable sometimes.  i’m prideful and lose my temper.  and then give up (sometimes).  that’s what happened monday night.

i need to work on being teachable – no matter who it is God chooses to teach me thru or what circumstance He chooses to teach me thru.

God always have this incredible way of working whatever i’m studying into my everyday life, often without me realizing it at first :P

i’m not giving up on living on my own yet.  i can’t give up just because i have an unfortunate weakness in the cooking department.

unless shane kicks me out of the apartment.  then i have no choice.  :P 

Reverting to basics

Well. This is my dinner tonight. It's a relatively easy recipe that anyone can follow. Take a pack of instant oatmeal. Throw in some water. Throw it in the micro for 2 minutes. And wall-la. Bam. Instant oatmeal.

Yum.

So...filling. (heavy sarcasm)

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tire changing party, fire in the hole

it was one of those moments where i thought “you know, if i would’ve just been responsible and listened to people, i wouldn’t be in this predicament right now…”

andy borrowed Zeva (…my car.  don’t act like you don’t know who Zeva is) a week and a 1/2 ago to go up to tampa and he came back saying he thought i had a bad tire or needed the tires balanced.  i agreed, because i had been hearing a slight “whomp whomp whomp” when i drove.  then shane drove Zeva and said the sound was worse and i needed to get it checked out.  i should’ve done that last week.  i just want to make a note that i DID drive by the tire place on saturday but it turns out they’re closed saturday and sunday.  i had every intention of being responsible.

and then sunday rolled around.  and i had that gut feeling on my drive up to church that “hmm…i hope my tire doesn’t blow.  i really need to get that checked.”

sure enough, come sunday night on my drive home, that “whomp whomp whomp” turned into a “WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP” and i know that sound all too well.  flat tire.  actually, more like blown tire.  yeah, blown tire.

i’ve been taught how to change tires.  in hindsight, i probably could’ve done it.  but it was dark and i had never changed the tires on Zeva before so i didn’t know where to set the jack or how hard the nuts were going to be to get off.  so i chickened out. 

i called my dad.  i called andy.  i called shane.  no one was jumping at the opportunity to drive 40 minutes to come help me out (i was up in islamorada).  they were willing, but not until i gave it a good shot of fixing it myself.

so what did i do?  i hung up the phone and sat in my car staring out and wondering what in the world i was going to do.  and then i prayed.  hehe i did.  i asked God to help me make a wise decision.  i was going to call Natalie and see if her dad could help me (he lives a couple minutes from where i tanked).  but i didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.  and then i thought…it’s either try him or have someone drive 40 minutes to come help me and then make them drive 40 minutes back.  killer.

so i called natalie.  she called me back within minutes saying her dad was on his way and her and kathleen were on their way too (they live  about 15 minutes away from where i was).  they are crazy insane and i love them.  :D  so we had a tire changing party.  blasting music and volleyball included.

it was the funnest tire changing experience i’ve ever had!!  yenny loves nat & kat!

and what was awesome is i saw God’s hand on everything.  He protected andy from blowing out the tire going 75mph on his trip (or faster…i choose to remain ignorant to the speeds at which he took Zeva).  and yesterday after beach volleyball i normally would head home but natalie had the brilliant idea of cooking up fresh veggies and making fruit smoothies and enjoying the sunset from the concrete beach.  so after a most beautiful time together, i headed home around 8.  when nat called her dad, he had just gotten done with a bike ride so it was good timing for him.  and there were really strong storms coming thru but we got the tire changed and i got almost all the way home before it even started raining.  everything just clicked.

AND – i got to enjoy a beautiful lightning storm the whole drive home!  it was spectacularilly fantastic!  i was having such a great time enjoying God’s magnificent creation!  there was a lot of “WOOHOO!!!!” and “YOU’RE SO COOL!” exclamations going on as He would light up the sky as i drove over bridges.  i’d say “ok God, c’mon – give me another good one!” and BAM!  hehehe you just had to be there.  no music.  just me, God, the lightning, and me squealing.

God’s provision and fingerprints just stoke me.

on another note, i am starving right now.  why?  because i nearly burned down the kitchen tonight and i was so frustrated that i didn’t eat any of the food i tried to make and ended up just eating a bowl of cereal.  humph.

i don’t know what happened.  last week i made fajitas and they worked.  no major mishaps.  and then tonight i totally burned the rice and then when i put steak in the pan it shot up in flames!  oy.

i almost moved home tonight.  i don’t know what i’m supposed to do!  i’m so incompetent!  i always thought i had pretty good common sense.  apparently i don’t.

and i can’t smell.

that’s always the fall back excuse for everything.  “jen, why’s your room a mess?”  i’m sorry, i have no sense of smell.  “jen, your car needs washed really bad.”  i’m sorry, i can’t smell.  “jen, why didn’t you go for that ball?” (in volleyball).  i know, i know – it’s just that i can’t smell and…

:D

i did overcome my crepe disaster though. 

Exhibit A – first attempt at crepe making a week ago.

i ended up eating a banana instead.

however, 1 week later (this last saturday) i decided to give it another shot.  and now i give you…

Exhibit B

and i made sushi.

 

 

just kidding :)

 

 

 

 

but i did make these…i call it “strawb delight” :)

 

:::sigh::: i just don’t know where God wants me :)  struggling but on my own?  or with my fam?

i need to go to bed.  :) 

I cooked!!!

I made this all by myself this week!!! Fajitas!!!! Like...it wasn't frozen or premade! I cooked it on the stove!! No microwave! Ha! And it was edible!!!!

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sushi, chai, and kim walker

hi.

i wish i could share this moment with you so badly.  i wish i could just pluck you from wherever you are and plop you right in the room with me.  i am having a beautiful night.  sushi, followed by chai tea.  kim walker rockin’ it in the background.  mmmm :)

oops.  i just finished my chai.  that’s what i get for rubbing it in your face, i guess.

i am blessed.  for an infinite amount of reasons.  tonight i feel blessed to have the opportunity to be staying in an apartment by myself in the Keys.  i am blessed to have friends who open up their apartments to me so i can have a place to retreat to.  i don’t know how long i’ll be here.  a week.  2 weeks?  i plan to soak up every minute of it while it lasts.

i have 2 main reasons for wanting a place of my own.  1, i want a place i can have people over to and they can spend the night when they want.  i love my family, and living with them goes amazingly well, but it’s hard to have friends over because when you come to our house, you get the whole family experience.  :)  great family, just…not the type of atmosphere to cultivate deeper discussions and chill together.

(by the way, just put on “ocean surf” on my ipod – just the sound of the waves crashing and the occasional seagull without the poop – yesssss)

and the 2nd reason is i am really hoping to soak up the quiet time that i have here and draw ever so near to my Savior.  i want my heartbeat to match His heartbeat.  i want my desires to match His desires.  i want to know Him in a more intimate and real way.  i seek direction from Him right now.  i want so badly to have clear direction from Him.

i pray that i will use this place for those 2 specific reasons.  i moved some stuff in saturday (like my keyboard – quite essential).  and saturday night, Nat & Meg spent the night!!  ahhh such a blessing to be able to have a place to invite them to stay at!!  Jesus totally overwhelmed us with His love and beauty in creation and with time fellowshipping as sisters.  we all decided not to go to church Sunday morning and just take the morning to enjoy and savor.  so beautiful.

how cool is that – that the very 1st night i was here, God already allowed me to use it in the way i wanted to?  i pray that i actively seek others to come and hang out here.  i know it is so easy to get busy or think that so-and-so would probably rather do something else other than hang out with me.  or i could get selfish and enjoy the quietness too much.

my lava lamp from Lauren is squirting goo balls up and down.  and i don’t have internet here.  i love it.  i can write blogs while offline and post them later.  and i won’t be distracted with the internet.

i had a thought yesterday (i had more than 1 thought…just…this 1 stuck out.  i do think throughout the day, contrary to popular belief).  i, like many others in my community of friends, am seeking direction from God as to what to do, where to go, what He created me for.  and i am so stuck on trying to figure out exactly what it is God wants for me.  but talking with Nat & Meg yesterday, i thought – am i not trusting God to lead me?  to open the right doors and open them in His time?

i hope this is coming out right.  it made so much more sense in my head yesterday.  let me try again.

Psalm 37:4 (Scripture always just kinda says it best, doesn’t it?  let’s just go to Scripture) - “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

i am so worried about missing out on what God has created me to do.  that i’ll sit around and won’t take a chance on a direction because i want to be sure that’s what He wants me doing first.  i have been praying and continue to pray that God will give me desire, passion, and direction according to what He created me for.  according to the gifts and talents He has given me. 

and yet i worry that i’ll miss out on what He has for me.

isn’t that kind of like not trusting God?  is our God unjust, that He would ignore our cries for direction so that we may glorify Him to the fullest with our lives?  of course not! 

Matthew 7:11 - “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!”

seriously!  think about it.  delight yourself in the Lord and He WILL give you the desires of your heart.  He WILL guide you.  in HIS time.  and God is outside of our time – He created our “time”.  His timing is not always our timing.

i hope this makes sense.  it’s still not coming out as eloquently as i heard it in my head yesterday.  may God take my un-eloquent words and use them for His glory. :)

Dinner

Doesn't this just look good? I made this tonight. Don't get excited. It was a frozen meal. Totally cheating. But it looks nice in the bowl. And the countertop in the background.

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Houston part 2

i need to finish my Houston recap before it gets too far in the past.

i left off on Saturday. so...

SATURDAY
we all took our time getting around Saturday morning. drank coffee and each picked a piece of the living room to curl up in and spend some alone time with our Abba. then we introduced Nicki to our typical "Keys" breakfast we do when friends are in town - crepes! mmmm. we then walked around the neighborhood in the bright sunny skies (though it was a little cold but not bad - 50's probably).

when we got back to the house, we saw Richard (the owner) and he took us for a tour of his museum of art. crazy.

then we proceeded by going into the barn and pulling out Lisa's 2 kayaks and carrying them over to the small man-made pond on the property and went kayaking. haha no, really, we did. Lisa had wanted to do it and take close-up pics so it looked like we were on the ocean or a lake and then do a zoomed-out shot that showed how small the pond really was. it was so much fun! (i really need to go back and put pics up of all these things)

after that Lisa took us into Tomball and we went to a few stores and saw downtown Tomball. that place is sweet - it's really an old-school downtown and the stores are still alive and people are...there. unlike a lot of downtown places that have gone to the dumps. we went to this old old grocery store called "Kleins" and it was so cool - they played old music and most of the people working were old and it was just so old-fashioned.

then we went for a walk in one of the parks near Lisa's house.

Lisa then took us for some good ol' tejas bbq. (we ate a lot on this trip. a lot of good food.)

then we rushed home and filled the Element with every big blanket and pillow we could find. grabbed leftover brownies and ginger snaps. headed for the drive-in movies!! ahhhh sooooo fun! cold, but fun! we were all so bundled up in the back of Ellie. the movies were lame and i ended up trying to sleep thru the 2nd one because i didn't want to have bad memories of it (lovely bones - don't see it). the 1st movie was valentine's day. don't see that either. there was not 1 good, moral relationship in that movie. but the experience of the drive-in in 40/50 degree weather was fun!

Nicki spent Saturday night at the house with us again (she's great!!).

SUNDAY
Sunday morning, Lisa, Rachel, and i went to Ecclesia for church. the Robbie Seay Band leads worship there when they're in town. it was a cool, uber trendy church that meets in a warehouse. good for building community. we then went out for lunch with some of the girls to Barkley's Cafe...or something like that. i got a flat iron steak and fries. yum. i love steak. and the seasoning on the fries was so good.

then Lisa took us to a couple cool thrift stores (Buffalo Exchange and Taxi Taxi). hit up Smoothie King (at my request) and stopped at one of Lisa's favorite coffee shops. we then headed to the park to see the ultimate frisbee crew. we got there late so we didn't play (and it was cold). but it was fun to see where she plays and meet some of the people she plays with. this park was crazy because it's like...in the middle of the city and the park's like in this small valley area. big buildings all around. completely opposite of Founder's park where we play beach vball and ultimate frisbee down here (ocean views). but it was neat.

then we went back to Lisa's and made dinner (spaghetti) and theeennnnn...MEGAN SHOWED UP!! she had called us Sunday morning on our way to church and said her and her friends were in New Orleans and were headed to Dallas on their spring break road trip and they wanted to stop by Lisa's and spend Sunday night before heading to Dallas!! i cannot capture the excitement and yelling that went on in the car during that phone call and after that call. we were all so stoked. megan rocks. like, seriously. and her friends are great - i knew Steph already and then met 2 other girls (Jillian and Jenny). we had so much fun with them, though it was a short time. Steph took us thru some of her "ab attack" routine (she teaches workout classes at her school) - see, we did exercise on this trip. :)

MONDAY
Monday morning we got up in time to make crepes with the girls. then Lisa took Rachel and i to the airport. sad.

ok that recaps everything i think. if you feel like something's missing, let me know (haha).

this girl's going to bed.

i'm spending the night at Nat's tonight - woohoo!! twice this week!

New Day

Spent the night at Natalie's last night after Bible study. Stayed up til almost 2am talking - mmm!! God has blessed me with some amazing sisters.
She sent me on my way this morning with fresh strawberries and French pressed coffee! It was a beautiful 50 minute drive over bridges and water and blue skies. Robbie Seay Band playing "New Day". Theme song of the day.

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mmmm -- vacation!

i'm on vacation with Rachel visiting Lisa in Houston. it has been so fun and refreshing! i think this is the first vacation i've had that i really needed. other vacations i took for the fun of it. this time is different - i have been so overwhelmed and stressed at work and with life and needed to get away from it all for a short time.

i just want to capture everything we've done so far so i can look back and remember :) so this post is more for my benefit.

Boone and Sara flew down for a Keys vacation on Wed. the 17th and flew out Wed. the 24th. Boone and i bought our tickets (hers to Ft. Lauderdale, mine to Houston) at the same time so we could fly out around the same time - it ended up being within 15 minutes of each other! perfect! i had a great time with the girls down in the Keys - my only regret was that i had to work so much of the time they were there :( despite my many hours spent at work, we still managed to get quite a bit in - wing night @ the Hurricane, coffee @ Leigh Ann's coffee shop (twice!), Friday night indoor vball, sailing, Sunday afternoon beach vball, dinner at El Siboney in Marathon...Sadie took them to the beach and a walk (Boone ran - lucky!) on the old 7 mile bridge. we had crazy weather - like rainy & cold 1/2 the time. so not typical for a Keys winter but the whole country has had a weird winter and we can't complain - at least it was still in the 60's/70's :)

it was so natural to have Boone in town - i have a few friends that are part of my family and she is one of them. (Mriss - i know you'll read this so you should know you are one of those too :) )

WEDNESDAY
so Wed. the 24th we all rode up to Ft. Lauderdale together in Zeva and went our separate ways at the airport. Rachel & i flew continental - they fed us on the plane!! sandwich, chips, dr ink, and a hershey's chocolate bar!! all for free! who DOES that these days?? :)

Lisa picked us up and we went straight to Mike & Libba's house to see Libba - such an amazing woman who's love for God just oozes out of her! everyone needs to meet Libba and spend time with her. her life has not been easy (specifically health-wise) and each day is a gift from God. we hung out with her for about an hour, then a few of the younger teachers from the school came over for their normal Wed. afternoon Bible study. they were all so sweet! we then went to dinner at this uber trendy sushi place with Lisa & her friend Nicole (she's great!) and it was sushi happy hour so the sushi was 1/2 off! our bill for 4 of us was like $20! the restaurant was so trendy - probably the most trendy place i've ever eaten :)

from sushi we went to the girl's Bible study at Nicki's house (young life leader - she is so cool! she spent the night with us at Lisa's last night and is sitting right by me on the couch right now :) ). mmm - this Bible study was so great! they are reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan (LOVE that book, by the way). the girls - oh the girls! i couldn't stop smiling the whole time. God is moving thru the group and it is so clear and evident. there is a hunger. mmm - that just stokes me!

 

we got home to Lisa's around 10 or 11pm.  she had these amazing “ice cream cones” for us – but it wasn’t  ice cream, it was this light merangue (spelling?!) thing and when we ate off the top, there were sweet notes inside!!!!  so special!

i also would like to add that Lisa often sets the heat in the house to 79.  she so rocks my face off!!!! 

THURSDAY
what a full day! got up, Lisa made us delicious whole wheat blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon. we then went on a walk around the property (birds chirping EVERYWHERE!) and then thru the neighborhood - crisp, cool morning and the sun was shining in the blue skies! the fresh air was so delightful (though...cold).

we then packed a picnic lunch and headed to one of Lisa's favorite nearby parks. ended up playing a little volleyball on the sand court (couldn't resist). then realized Ellie (Lisa's Element) had gotten yellow  paint speckled all over her because the lines on the road had just been repainted! so we went into Tomball and washer her. then went back to the park and ate our picnic lunch on a blanket in the sunshine.

after that we went into Downtown Houston to this like...museum district  place and walked thru a contemporary art museum (it was free) and then to this nearby park that reminded me so much of D.C. - long reflection pool and all. we walked thru a Japanese garden there and saw this turtle hinged on top of a rock with his back legs up in the air...we took pictures, i'll have to come back and put them in this blog. it was hilarious. despite it being winter, there were some beautiful pink flowered trees in the garden. very cool.

then we walked up a big hill and laid down and stared up into the sky.

but not for too long because we had more to do!

we stopped by the museum of science and looked thru the gift shop (Lisa took us to the museum gift shops first, then showed us the rest of the museum...that must be the cool way to do it. hehehe j/k Lisa ). we decided we didn't want to pay to see that museum so we walked back to Ellie and headed to Swirll.

oh - what is Swirll? you may ask. well let me tell you - amazing. that's what Swirll is. ha :) it's an ice cream shop where you fill your cup with as much ice cream as you want, and whatever combination of kinds. then you walk thru a little "buffet" area and add whatever toppings you want - lots of sweet treats and lots of fruit for the healthier ice cream indulgers :) then you go to pay and they weigh your cup and you pay by the weight!! how cool is that?? i got strawberry kiwi sorbet and topped it off with lots of fruit. mmmm! picture to follow.

from there we went to REI and Lisa got a couple things for her upcoming snowboard trip to CO (jealous). then went back up toward Tomball and ate at a fun Mexican restaurant called "Lupe Tortilla". Rachel had a queso milkshake. haha ok not really. but she did suck up the queso chip  dip thru a straw for a good photo moment. we followed dinner with a stop at Starbucks (in hindsight, shouldn't have done that - i was so full already!) and then Target. then went to the Silverado IMAX theater and saw Avatar in IMAX 3D - pretty sweeet! i normally wouldn't have gone to see Avatar (not my kind of movie) but i had heard so many great things about it and thought it'd be cool to see in imax 3D. very cool!

we got home around 11 i think.

FRIDAY
went to work with Lisa at 10 (she's the female "chaplain" at this college prep Christian high school). got to see a preview of the musical they're doing next week - Thoroughly Modern Millie. my college did that and i went and saw it and loved it - these high schoolers did a great job! i wish i could be here next week to see the whole show!

Rachel and i then joined up with the girls from the Bible study at lunch and had a time of singing worship and prayer during lunch (they started doing "Fasting Fridays" where they worship and pray during lunch instead of eating - how cool is that?). we started out on a hill top but then rain started moving in so we went inside to a classroom. this girl, Anna, leads the worship and she is so unique and cool! she reminds me of David Crowder - unique style and personality and they are very comfortable just being themselves. so great. and she loves Kim Walker so...shoot.

we then sat in on a presentation about Turkey (Lisa's helping lead a trip there this summer!). it was crazy because the presentation started out with this man from Turkey giving a slideshow presentation of his country and talking about what they'll see in Turkey and then there was Q & A time. started off with questions about Turkey and then people started asking questions about his career and how to make good career choices and all that. it was interesting to see that because it just shows some of the mentality at the school. not necessarily a bad thing i guess, just...not my mentality. :)

Rachel and i then hung out in the conference room next to Lisa's office for a little bit while she worked. when the school day was over we left and went rock climbing!!! my first time. so fun. loved it. sore today. we did that for a couple hours. it was cool too because the people there give you a quick instruction time on how to use the belay (ropes) and then  they turn you loose! so we got to belay each other and do whatever we wanted. did a little bouldering (no ropes) but found it more fun to do it with the ropes because then you got to climb all the way to the top :)

from there we hit up HEB (a grocery store) and went home to Lisa's to make steak (w/bernaisse sauce...i don't know how to spell that but it's yellow and we often have it with steak in the Keys), coconut rice, and corn. yum! followed up with brownies, ice cream, strawberries, and chocolate syrup. killin' me! so good. Nicki joined us and spent the night - it has been so fun getting to talk with her and getting to know one of the people Lisa loves so dearly out here.

SATURDAY
today. what will today hold? well we have all taken our time getting around this morning so far. it's after 10 and everyone is sitting around on big comfy leather couches here in the living room reading/journaling/praying. mmm the atmosphere is so tranquil and warm. we are going to make crepes for breakfast. might go around Tomball some. some of the girls from the Bible study are probably coming out this afternoon and we are going to the drive-in movies tonight! tomorrow is church at Ecclesia (can't wait) and not sure what will follow - lots of options!

while this vacation has been jam packed with so much greatness, i have also loved the mornings here! waking up whenever my body wakes up (which as been between 6 and 7), sneaking out to the living room and enjoying quietness with my Abba. mmm i miss Him so much when i don't get to spend alone time with Him! that has been a gift. i am so thankful for Lisa's like-mindedness. she knows how important it is. no matter how much we want to pack in out here, nothing compares to the importance of starting out the day surrendering all to our Almighty God and drawing near to Him.

so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Lisa's good at wanting to dig deep into people's lives and challenge them to not settle for comfortable. that is something i've been struggling with anyway, and coming out here and talking it out has only fueled it more. changes is in the near future. i can feel it. i can sense it. i know it needs to happen.

Father, guide me.
fuel my passions. my desires.
help me surrender my life to You daily.
help me step out and do things where i am weak so that You may show Yourself strong - for Your glory.
to live fully alive by Your Spirit within me.
i want to be doing what You created me to do.
to be using the gifts and talents You have given me.

Rainy Mondays

Mmm...sitting at Leigh Ann's drinking a soy chai latte and eating a scone with Boone and Sara. Raining all day. Boone and I have the laptop out and are planning out our Colorado/Wyoming roadtrip!


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I think i have Cuban blood...

I love old Cuban women. And I think they love me. Everytime I go to get lunch at Winn-Dixie, they load me up! Today she even gave me an extra side- the black beans!! This meal will last me 3 lunches probably. All for $5.99.


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Conquered #2

Fear conquered #1 was the cockroach. Yes, I threw it away!

Fear conquered #2 - lighting short stick matches!





The first regular size ("short") match I lit in my life was in college and as soon as it lit, I freaked out and threw it on the table. :) tonight, all alone in the house, I decided to conquer my fear. I lit 5 :) the first one was so fun I just had to do it again! ...and again...and again... :D

Baby steps.

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"Incase this truck has malfunctions and dies in the middle of the road, please do not push."

it just struck me as funny on the way to work. i just pictured myself trying to push it off the road.

random.

introducing...

Mr. Benjamin Andrew, born 2/1/10 @ 10:24pm! 7lb, 13oz and 20in long. my very first nephew!!
what a shock! the doctor had read my sister's ultrasound back in sept/oct '09 and determined it was another girl (niece #3). apparently, this little stud muffin was feeling mischevious that day and hid those oh-so-significant parts from the camera. i will forever remember the moment we all found out it was a boy! the story is to come - i'm keeping this short tonight.

in other news, don't you just love those moments where you receive confirmation from God that you made a good decision about something? tonight i get a call from shane, my friend who sold my Escape for me back in November of last year. he says "you'll never guess who just called me - the guy who bought your Escape..." and my heart stopped (well, not literally, don't worry). long story short, the guy's friend was driving it for him back from Texas or something and they had just gotten back into the Keys and the transmission locked up - aka, the transmission blew! my first thought was - "oh no...he must be so mad at me!" - i had no idea the transmission would have problems! but thankfully he was just calling shane to see if he had a number for a good towing company - the guy was glad he still had shane's number!

and earlier today i had been telling Zeva how much i love her (yes, i talk to my car - get over it).

i felt only relief and excitement over selling my Escape and have never regretted it. i have felt only joy and excitement over my Scion xB. and this just affirms to me that it was the right thing to do! what a blessing!

and you know those times when you look back and realize you made a really bad decision and are now having to face the consequences. i'm having one of those moments right now. i was so stinkin' tired at work from going going going since Sunday morning and i got home and after dinner realized someone had made coffee at our house (a rare thing for in the evening). so i drank 1/2 a cup, not knowing if it was regular or decaf. pretty sure it was regular. i'm wide awake now. shoot.

hey it's 10:24pm - Ben's 2 day birthday! i should throw a party...by myself...since i'm apparently the only one still up in this house full.

Zeva

This is Zeva. Or as some lovingly call her - "the Toaster". I love her. She sips gas and is so big inside. And she's a manual. I found her about 2 months ago, homeless and wanting an owner to love her. Awww, Zeva :)

And I am loving this blog app - I don't get on my computer much outside of work so I don't update this as much as i'd like. This makes it easier, atleast to put up short things. And pics!!

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Trying this out

I just got an app on my phone to try and make posting to my blog easier. I'm testing it. :) and now to add a pic to it...




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fear

turning 26 has been a turning point for me. it's weird, you know? every year your birthday rolls around and everyone asks "so do you feel older?" - knowing that nobody really feels "older" or any wiser on their birthday. you don't magically wake up on that special day and feel like a different person. that never happens. your birthday comes and goes and life goes on as normal.

or does it?

i'm telling you, this birthday season has been so different. i think the start of it happened on my birthday when my friend asked me why i hate celebrating my birthday so much and they said "you should celebrate! God has given you a start to a new year! He's created you and He has given you life!" (see post below)

God has given me this life, hasn't He? He gives me each breath that i take. He sustains me. and buenos noches, He has kept me on this earth thus far for a reason.

i have so much swirling around within me. weird, right? i feel change needing to happen. challenges needing to be faced. a life to be lived to the fullest. to do things that seem impossible to me and are only possible by the power of the Holy Spirit living within me.

and fears to be conquered.

i'm working thru Beth Moore's Bible study called "Living Beyond Yourself" - it's about the fruit of the Spirit. each week deals with a different aspect of the fruit. this week has been on peace. it hit me today that fear is the absence of peace. an absence of the fruit of the Spirit. fear is not believing God is completely who He says He is. fear is not relying on His strength and provision, His sovereignty (i think i spelt that wrong - i can never remember how to spell that great word).

don't get me wrong - we are to fear God. a reverent, "in awe" type of fear.

but all other fears (generally speaking) point to an underlying distrust in God, don't they? if you stop and analyze a certain fear that you have, i think you'll probably see it.

Jesus tells His disciples and those He speaks to "Do not be afraid" numerous times. Take John 14:27, for example:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

God offers us peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7).

i have this giddiness inside of me now to shut out fear when it enters my mind. to not let fear rule me. even in small things. there's this cockroach at my friend's house that has been sitting dead in the corner of the room for weeks, if not months. and he won't pick it up. he keeps saying i have to throw it away because i was the one who found it. i hate cockroaches. hate them. and i've been refusing to throw the dead specimen away because i don't want to touch it. but you know what? that fear is stupid. and it's unrealistic. and basta ya! i'm going to throw that thing away!

...yes, that's a very small fear to conquer. :P but it's a step. and i get this excitement at the idea of being approached by fear and facing it head on. tearing down the lies surrounding it. and putting my full faith in my all powerful Abba.

bring it on.

26 years ago today...

...i was born.

yes, folks. today is my birthday. and yes, i just admitted that.

normally i try to keep my birthday so under wraps that i counted it a great birthday if no one remembered (although people always did...).

i was reminded today by a friend that i ought to celebrate. God has given me a beginning to a new year. He has blessed me with so much. He created me. i am unique and wonderfully created by the One and Only God. the Creator and Sustainer of Life.

so, yes. today is my birthday. and i'm going to celebrate that life God has given me.

here's to a new year. a year of new adventures. new beginnings. taking on challenges. pushing myself to step out in faith where i have to fully rely on my strong and mighty God to carry me.

26, here i come.


and hi Val!! i was so excited to see your comment - you still checked this thing over the years! you are so faithful!!! :)

carless

so - i sold my car last weekend! that was an answer to prayer. i didn't owe any money on her, but her ability to eat gas at a high rate bugged me and drove me nuts! i didn't think anyone would want her - she was really fun to drive (an Escape) but she had some dents. but - i sold her!

so now i'm carless for the first time since i totaled my car when i was 17 (which, by the way, was NOT my fault - let's just go on the record here). i feel like i'm back in jr. high. not having a car makes you incredibly dependent on other people. and plans have to change when you can't get a ride.

and so here i sit at work, waiting for a ride. waiting, waiting, waiting. but that's ok. i sold my car. i'm relieved.

now i need a new car. and car shopping drives me nuts because i'm so picky when it comes to vehicles! you know how some people could care less and they're like "as long as it runs, i'm happy"? yeah - i'm not one of those. i want great gas mileage, a big vehicle, and it has to be a manual. all for not a lot of $$. oh and preferrably a Honda or Toyota.

good luck with that, jen.

today is the day!

1 year of no soda!!!!!!!!!!! specifically, coke, but all soda!!!!

it wouldn't be a big deal for some people to go a whole year, but...shoot, it has been huge for me!

so - why did i do it? a couple reasons. i had started working out regularly at the gym and knew i wouldn't get the results i wanted if i kept loading my body with that high fructose corn syrup junk. but i also didn't want to be "dependent" on soda anymore.

it was a long a road. it started out as a 1-week $100 bet i may. then i had a few cokes. then i did a 1-month bet. after a month, i decided to try for 3 months since i was already a month into it. so i went 3 months. then i had a few cokes. then November 18th of last year i had a chocolate coke and donuts on a road trip home from nashville and...well...let's just say it all came out the wrong end (it went north, not south). so then i didn't even want coke for a month or so and that's when i decided to just try going a full year.

and i can now say i have done it!! whenever i was close to giving in, i reminded myself that Jesus is better. any short term craving i may have, Jesus is completely able and worthy to fulfill all my desires.

woohoo!

holy anguish.

I listened to “Holy Anguish” – a message Francis Chan gave a little bit ago. First off, download it on itunes and listen. Like…really. Do it now. My summary of it will not do it justice.

What kinds of things do you feel deep sorrow over? Loss of a loved one. Loss of a job. Tragedy in friend’s lives. The Broncos going 6-0 this year and then losing to Baltimore…  (I had to throw that in there…I’m sorry…those who know me know I can’t be too serious for any extended length of time.)

No, but really – how often do you really feel deep sorrow over something?

"With Christ as my witness, I speak with utter truthfulness. My conscience and the Holy Spirit confirm it. My heart is filled with bitter sorrow and unending grief for my people, my Jewish brothers and sisters. I would be willing to be forever cursed—cut off from Christ!—if that would save them." Romans 9:1-3 (NLT)

What did Paul anguish over? He didn’t anguish over his own personal struggles (thrown in jail numerous times, beaten, persecuted in so many more ways than we ever are). He anguished over those who didn’t know Jesus Christ as their Savior.

He anguished over the lost.

Ahhhh. Seriously? When is the last time I really anguished over people going to Hell? It’s been awhile. I’ve gone through spurts where I was very much aware of this tragedy at hand, but I had lost the sense of urgency.
Supposedly there’s an actor or comedian or someone on youtube who talks about his encounter with an evangelist and even though he was an atheist, he said how he respected the evangelist for…I can’t remember what – again, I haven’t seen the video. But he says, in regards to all the other Christians who don’t share the Gospel with others, “How much do you have to hate someone to not tell them about hell?”

Ouch.

Think about it. If you are a follower of Christ, you believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ and realize your need for a perfect Lamb’s blood to be the ultimate sacrifice to satisfy a perfect and just God. And you know that you will spend eternal life in Heaven…in Paradise…because you believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And you know that those who do not believe and choose to go their own way will spend eternity in Hell, absolutely alone and in utter turmoil that we cannot even imagine.
Why are we (yes, we) not anguishing over this fact?!
Francis Chan goes on to tell about a reoccurring dream a friend of his keeps having. This guy used to play basketball for the Lakers. In his dream, his fellow teammates, who he had spent years playing basketball with day in and day out, are in hell and he’s not. And they look at him with this look on their face that says “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?! You didn’t say anything because you wanted me to like you?!”

Too often I don’t share the saving message of Jesus Christ with others because I don’t know how they’ll react. I’m afraid they won’t believe it. I’m afraid they’ll ask questions I don’t have answers to. I’m afraid I’ll drive a wedge between us.
What a stupid list of reasons. People I see every day are going to Hell and I don’t share with them the beautiful truth that God has provided a means of justification that is in no way something I can earn but is instead a free gift to everyone who just believes.

Pathetic.

May I…may you…may we be overwhelmed with awareness to this Truth. May the sense of urgency greatly increase.

If you didn’t listen to the podcast yet, go do it.

I can't figure out how to post pictures and text at the same time :)

The pic below is from this morning. I was sitting on a bench at the beach, enjoying the overcast and windy weather!! So fun! It was about 78 but with the wind it was cooler and I got to wear a zip up hoodie!! Maybe a little overkill, but us Keys people take any chance we can get to wear a hoodie :)

He drank my cup

He drank...my cup.

for awhile now i've realized that i so often become almost callous to the cross - Jesus's death. growing up in a Christian family, going to church all my life - i've heard about the cross my entire life. Jesus died on the cross for my sins. John 3:16. great. killer. sometimes it would evoke emotion within me. other times i'd read Scripture that talked about Christ's sacrifice and i'd read it just like it was any other passage in the Bible. not really contemplating the depth of it.

and i hate that i become callous to the magnitude of it so easily.

i came across a book nearly a year ago while shopping online with a B&N giftcard. the book is called "Living the Cross Centered Life - Keeping the Gospel the Main Thing" by C.J. Mahaney. i had read his book called "Humility" and loved it, so i bought this book. i didn't start reading it though until about a month ago.

the Truth this book talks about is overwhelming. so much more than any of my blogs could ever cover.

i just finished a chapter last night about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. if i could copy and paste the whole chapter here, i would. i was wide awake when i finished the chapter but was so overwhelmed by God's love for me displayed on that cross thru His Son Jesus Christ that i couldn't read on yet.

"In the mystery of His mercy, God - the innocent, offended party - offers up His own Son to death, to satisfy His righteous wrath and save the guilty party from it." - pg. 70

To satisfy His righteous wrath...His "righteous wrath" alone deserves so much thought about what that means. but i will try to stay on topic and not ramble. As Jesus is praying to His Father, He asks if there's any way for the cup to be removed.

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39

Jesus prayed this at least twice that night in the garden. He was "overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" - Matt. 26:38. Why was He overwhelmed? because He was about to drink of this cup - this cup of God's righteous wrath against the sin of all mankind. He was about to experience total abandonment from His Father. Jesus was about to become "the object of God's full and furious wrath" (pg. 80). for me. for you. for all of mankind.

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gethsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes toward you and me and shout, 'This is your cup. You're responsible for this. It's your sin! You drink it.' This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours." (pg. 82)

but He doesn't. no...He drinks the cup - the cup intended for me.

God loves me...you...so much that He was willing to let His innocent, perfect Son, Jesus Christ, come to earth to be the perfect, final sacrifice for the sin of all mankind.

He drank my cup...

life is short

life is too short to waste doing things day in and day out that i'm not passionate about. sitting behind a desk, billing customers for things they don't need in the first place, when their money could be going toward helping other people...yeah, not my passion.

i worked for j crew for the majority of time i was at college. i sat in a little cubicle, answering phone calls from materialistic people who wanted new clothes and wanted them yesterday (meaning: "i want this cashmere sweater overnighted to me for free because i'm greedy and want things now."). i enjoyed the job for awhile, just because it was fun to "sell" things (who didn't play store with their friends/siblings when they were little?). but then i went on a trip to the Dominican Republic during summer 'o6 and when i got back to work, i was overwhelmed by the fact that here i was, feeding greedy people with more clothes they didn't need while the Haitian refugee friends i made sat in their makeshift huts hoping they would have at least 1 small meal that day. seriously? drove me crazy.

it doesn't make sense that we settle doing jobs that have no eternal value. maybe i'm being irrational. but seriously? God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to earth where He was treated like the lowly. Jesus died as the ultimate sacrifice for each and every one of our sins. And He conquered death - that we may have eternal life with our Creator and know true peace, hope, joy...fullness in this life. So how will i spend this life He has given me?

restlessness. each day that goes by that i continue to do the same thing in life drives me nuts. i become almost apathetic toward my job.

i ought to be content that i even have a job. and i am, to an extent. i'm thankful i have a job. it's just...hmph.

and i crave adventure. not adventure for adventure's sake. not for the "bragging rights" to boast to others about what crazy thing i did. i crave adventure that will push me to accomplish things i never thought i was capable of. i want to know -- (bracing myself - for i know i am inviting God to turn my life upside down) -- i want to know what it is like to truly live by faith in our GREAT God. to have to rely on Him to bring me thru. and to taste victory because of His strength in my weakness. i crave adventure that will push others to do the same. i crave adventure that will point others to our GREAT God.

i hardly know what it is to live by faith. i have a steady income (relatively). i have an over abundance of food available to me. i have a roof over my head. i have many friends who will offer their roofs over my head. :) i have good health. so where do i have to rely on God? how am i living today that requires me to rely on God?

On November 18, 2009 I will have been soda free for 1 whole year!!! The longest in my life. So I want to celebrate by going on a snowboarding trip if I can get people to go with me :) other options include Nicaragua or costa rica. Some kind of adventure.

3 years ago

almost 3 years ago to the day, i wrote a blog about wanting to go to med school and become a surgeon. (see Oct. 26, 2006 post for details) i didn't pursue it though. but about a month ago, after a conversation with my friend Natalie, i learned about the surgical tech position in the O.R. and instantly was intrigued. the main reason i didn't pursue the medical route was because in high school i realized that as a surgeon, i would be holding people's lives in my hands and if they died on my operating table, it would be my fault. now, ultimately, i know that God is in control but my sinful, controlling nature would easily be swayed to believe it was my responsibility alone and i couldn't handle that.

as a surgical tech, you get to be in the O.R., right there next to the surgeon. you assist with tools and holding clamps, etc. and you help prep patients and surgeons. you get to be right there with the surgeon!! ahh - it makes me giddy just thinking about it!

the surgical tech program at most schools is about 18-24 months. that's it. not 10 years of schooling or anything. so...i'm looking into it. who knows what'll happen. but i am looking at a school in lynchburg (yay!!) and west palm beach. i don't want to leave the Keys!!!! but the fact that the program isn't years and years long makes it a little easier. a little. not a lot. :P

Natalie also told me about Mercy Ships - www.mercyships.org. from what i know, it's a volunteer-based ship that is anchored off the west coast of Africa (they've had other ships but i think the one in Africa is the only one right now). there are tons of positions open on the ship and you can volunteer for as long as you want. some positions want at least a 1 month commitment, some 3 months, some 6, etc. how cool would that be?!

i have such a longing for adventure within me. maybe this is the start of one...

it has begun...again.

let it be known that i have re-started my blog. thank you, Marissa. :P my last post was Nov. '06 - nearly 3 years ago. that means i'm 3 years older than i was then. and probably 3 years worth smarter. maybe.

but because my computer is going anciently slow right now, i only have time to post this and now have to leave for the ICS boy's football game - 6 man football at it's finest!

the real purpose of the moon

i've started reading a book that's sat on my shelf a good year or so now. it's a John Piper book called "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ". so while the following thoughts are spurred on by things i've read in the book, the elaboration are my own thoughts and ideas (wow that sounded professional...yes, that's right, i'm in college).

i was driving the other night and it was well past darkness-time and a huge glowing mass caught my attention. any other day, i would probably have just glanced at it and thought "hey, cool", but this night was different. it was a full moon, huge, bright. as i stared at it while i was at a red light, i thought more and more about the existence of that moon.

i've always excepted creation as-is. the moon's the moon. the sun's the sun. the moon comes out at night, the sun's out in the day and the sun's hot and i love the sun. simple. the grand canyon's huge. God created it. simple. not much thought about it, i just accept such creations as, well...normal.

but this night, at the stop light, i realized...God didn't HAVE to create the moon. He didn't HAVE to create the sun. He's God, He created the world, He didn't have to create us so that we needed the sun or benefited from the moon (...do we benefit from the moon?...i'm not into science). the grand canyon doesn't actually do anything for us, it doesn't sustain our life at all in any way.

He created these things for His glory! so that when we see them, we stand in awe, we be still and think, "wow...God, You made this. this...this is beautiful. this is amazing. and You created it for Your glory."

and to take it one step further. to realize that the Creator who created such beautiful, amazing, profound creations...has to be so much MORE beautiful, amazing, and profound. ahhhh :)

i look at creation so much more differently right now.

keep it real.
~jen~

maybe i'll go to med school.

i'm thinking maybe i'll just switch direction and become a surgeon.

i love what i do. i love media. i love the thought of reaching people with the Gospel through film/video.

but from the time i was 2, when i had eye surgery, until just before i graduated from high school, i wanted to be a surgeon. i love the intrigue of the human body. i was great at gameboy (random, i know, but people have said if you're good at video games, you'll be good in surgery with the equipment - haha). i like to be able to fix things.

so i was thinking tonight about how i used to want to be a surgeon. and i realized...hey, i can surf and make videos all i want in Heaven (that, or i'll be so incredibly wrapped up in just worshiping my Creator that i won't even care about surfing or making movies). but i can't be a surgeon in Heaven. there'll be no need for surgeons. at least, i don't think there will be...i could be wrong though. i guess if there is a need for surgeons in Heaven, that'd be great because then i wouldn't lose any of my patients.

so back to this surgeon idea.

ah - but then i have to go through lots of med school. there's no way i'd ask my parents to help support me financially through that. so maybe this is what i'll do for now: i'll finish my degree at LU. i'll work in the field for awhile, saving up money. then if i have money for med school and still want to be a surgeon, i'll consider it further then.

i'd want to be a surgeon in Hawaii or Southern Cal. yeah. and take medical mission trips. to Tahiti. and other places. and i could bring my camera along and document it. and surf for a stress-reliever.

i might be on to something here.

or i might just be dreaming.

i should go to bed.

keep it real.
~jen~

the peace that can only come from God

Philippians 4:7

$1.95

i filled up for gas this morning for a whoppin' $1.95/gallon!! talk about exciting. i finally could fill up a full tank of gas for under $20. what a beautiful da-a-a-aaaaay!! (can anyone name the song that that's from?)

the church service we usually go to starts at 11. it's late. i usually automatically wake up after getting 7 1/2-8 hours of sleep, so this morning i woke up at 7:35am, though i didn't get out of bed for about another hour. i get myself in trouble on Sunday mornings because i wake up so early before church that i putz around and work on things, thinking, "oh, i have so much time, i can do this too" - and then before i know it, i'm rushing around trying to be ready on time for church. go figure.

and so i sit here, 9:55am, writing on my blog.

i paid my credit card off this weekend!! that's a huge relief. i celebrated by leaving work a couple hours early yesterday (it was slow, they were offering time off) and renting X-Men 3 :) a-mazing movie.

i love the x-men triology, i don't know why, but i do.

speaking of work, (well...i was a few thoughts ago), i enjoy my job. yes, i'd rather be out in 80+ degree weather and filming a surf documentary or something, but for the part of life that i'm at right now, this job works just fine. and i love giving the gift of free shipping & handling. :) sometimes i throw that in for various reasons when people call in. and when they're not demanding that they get free shipping, they're always so excited to save the extra cash. i feel like santa almost.

speaking of work and santa (wow, i'm really building on my thoughts, this is technical) - last week, on saturday, i was at work and got a call from a retail store (we have red phones in our retail store that customers can pick up and order from if we don't have their item in the store). so, i answer the call and on the other end is this little boy that couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 years old. and our conversation goes as follows:

boy: "hello?"
me, realizing it's a little guy who probably won't be ordering today: "hi! how are you?"
boy: "are you santa clause??"
me: "...yes. ...yes i am!"
boy: (turning away from the phone) "Daddy! it's santa clause!!"
--the boy's dad either didn't realize his son was actually talking to someone or he was distracted, because he just kinda went "oh, really? okay"
boy: (back on the phone) "Do you have trains??"
me: "...um...yes! we DO have trains!"
boy: (turning away from the phone) "DADDY! they have TRAINS!!"
boy: (back on the phone) "What kind of trains??"
me: "oh...um...big ones. yeah, lots of them. they're red." (they're red?? haha i didn't know what else to say)
boy: (turning away from the phone) "DADDY! they have big red ones!!)
--phone hangs up

absolutely hilarious. i got off the phone and laughed so hard. kristen tried to make me feel guilty by reminding me, "Jenny! you just lied to that poor kid and told him you're santa clause!"

nah - just gave the little guy a bit of excitement for the day :)

oh...i should probably go get ready for church.

keep it real.
~jen~

mmmmmmm...to have wisdom

i heard it said this way wednesday night: "every piece of wisdom began as doubt"

appealing to emotion is big these days in churches. some are all for it. some are totally against it. i'm in the middle. but when your faith is feasting merely on emotional experiences, your faith will be like a rollercoaster. i've done it before. i've had a beautiful "experience" at church, left, and hardly touched my Bible for the next week until i went to church again. those who feed off of emotion often tend to suppress their questions, their doubt. i know i've been doing that for awhile now. i tend to think, "yeah, i don't know why this or that has happened, or why God allows this or that, but hey - He's God, i will never understand His ways, so i'll just accept that and not worry about the answers".

mmmmmmm.....but how much deeper my relationship with my Lord would be if i questioned Him, if i wrestled with Him and didn't let go until i had His answer. if i didn't write off my doubts and just accept things "as-is".

oh, to have wisdom. True wisdom. Godly wisdom. and to know my Savior the way He desires me to know Him.

wisdom is gained when you ask the questions that nag you. the questions that leave you saying, "i don't know why, and it bugs me".

so, question. question - not to run away from God, but to run toward God.

keep it real.
~jen~

why not me?

going to the Dominican Republic this past summer, though just for a week, has completely rocked my world. it was my 1st time in a 3rd world country. i saw desperation for food/water/clothing at a whole new level. adults taking children's cups of curdled milk, the only cup of milk the child might have for the next week or two. children begging for just 1 pair of shoes so that they could go to school. what? children BEGGING to go to school?

how easy it would be to harden my heart to what i saw. to leave in the Dominican what i saw in the Dominican and go about living my relatively easy life in America. how easy it would be for me to keep the memories tucked inside my head somewhere and forgetting to tell their stories. eventually the memories would fade and the burden i feel for them would subside.

but i don't want to waste the trip that God soverignly planned for me to go on. i can't. what a waste it would be to experience so many different things and not do anything with what i learned.

not only would it be a waste, it would not be fair to my friends i made in the DR. the Haitian refugees that risked their lives to bring their families across the Haiti/DR border in hopes of a better life for their children.

no, not every post from now on will be about the DR. but i hope that there will be many.

this is Callilina. precious. Callilina latched on to me from the first second we jumped off our safari truck in her village. she was no more than 5 years old and had an adorable, gruff/husky voice. she insisted on holding my paint bucket as i painted the door and windows the 1st day we came into the village. her and her sister, Natalia, played around me the entire time i painted. i was their "gringa amiga" and we tried to have as much as a conversation as possible with the little spanish that i know. :) we ended up laughing a lot and in the end, we sang about "cuckarachas" (cockroaches).

with the loving and joyful spirits that Callilina and Natalia show, you would never guess that these girls sometimes go a couple days without food. me and about 4 others in our group got to visit these sister's house in the village and bring juice and crackers to their family. their mom only spoke spanish, but she kept telling us that sometimes they go days without food. they were all skinny. all had torn raggedy clothes. there were actually 5 kids in the family, no dad. their dad had abandoned them.

hardly a meal goes by where these girl's faces don't flash through my mind. why am i able to fill my plate with food and at the end of the meal, sit there with food still on my plate and a full belly? why do i have the choice of what i want to eat at each meal? i sit here now, my belly warm and happy from the chai tea i just finished. Callilina is quite possibly laying in her bed (actually, i don't think she even had a bed) tonight, her stomach empty. and here i sit, my stomach full. it sickens me.

it's not fair. why is it not me in their shoes? why does it have to be like this? why do i get to have so much in America and they have so little? why is it that i can be working 2 jobs and yet their parents struggle to find even a small job that will bring them a dollar a day for their family?

these children have ruined me. ruined me in the best way possible. i drive myself crazy with the things i've spent my money on. it's ridiculous to look at the DVDs that i have, and to think that all of that money could be going to feed this kids, to clothe them, to send them to school.

it's getting late, i have a 7:50 tomorrow, and i feel like i'm rambling.

keep it real.
~jen~

where i want to be

oh how strongly i don't want to be at school right now. my heart is in the Keys. i love my apartment up here, i love my roommates, i love my friends i have here(the ones that haven't graduated and left, that is). but i just do not want to be here. i have no desire to go to any of my classes except my theology (sects & cults) class that Caner's teaching.

i get a phone call tonight and hear mass chaos in the background. then i start being able to make out people's words and realize it's a group of my friends from the Keys, calling me on speaker phone :) oh it was torture! they had played ultimate frisbee (the Sunday night ritual) and were at taco bell and the phone got passed around from person to person (including lucy!) - oooooh how every ounce of my body yearns to be down there!

it doesn't help that i now realize how much of a joke my major is at this university. you know it's bad when 2 of the head professors in the degree tell you to look at different schools to finish your degree. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i had 2 of the professors tell our video production class last year that the broadcasting major at our school is a joke, we don't have the right equipment to learn what we need to, and we should consider other universities. one even proceeded to ramble off a list of schools he'd recommend. yeah...that really motivates you to finish up and get your degree, knowing that you won't be taught what you need to know to have the experience and knowledge to get a credible job. goodness.

on a much lighter note, i have had a very enjoyable weekend. that's probably because i was gone all saturday and sunday afternoon. saturday a group of us went to VA beach for the ECSC (East Coast Surf Competition) which i've gone to every year i've been at Liberty. it's worth the 4 hour drive over there and the 4 hour drive back :D i got to watch amature surfers showing off their skills and, my favorite, the super groms showing off their mad skills - SO adorable. AND i got to run into the salty ocean water and be reunited with its beauty and experience its unfailing ability to wash away every care in the world, though temporary. i absolutely love that God has created the ocean for us to enjoy. absolutely love it.

today casey's "boyfriend" (she doesn't like calling him that, but for lack of a better word...:) ) todd took us out on his boat on Smith Mountain lake and we got to go water skiing. i chose not to, after being reminded of my failed attempts at wakeboarding a year ago. and the wipeouts look painful. maybe next time. :) but it was SO great to just be out on the boat, jumping into the middle of the lake and experiencing FRESH water. it's crazy to jump in and surface for air without having that super salty taste in your mouth. and i got to drive the boat while todd water skiied - that rocked. it was my 1st time driving a boat with someone skiing off the back.

and here i sit, once again back in l-burg at my apartment. sipping my decaf coffee. wondering if this update will mean that Becky will update her blog now :)

keep it real.
~jen~