the gift of space

have you ever had a time in your life where you felt like your joy had been stolen from you, and you didn’t know why and you didn’t know what had stolen it?  it was just…gone.  and you knew it should be there…it just…wasn’t.

I had this occur in my heart recently, and I still don’t know what caused it.  everything was going great around me. God was providing all I needed and so much more, doors were opening left and right…and yet I suddenly found myself fighting to regain the joy I’ve had for so much of my life.  what in the world?

I found myself with a couple days of no scheduled meetings and no scheduled commitments.  this is rare in my life these days.  I’m in awe of God’s perfect timing.  He knew I needed to get away in solitude and seek Him.  so I got away.

the first morning, I found myself drawn to read Galatians 5.  I intended to read about the fruit of the Spirit, to remind myself of all the fruit I’m currently missing.  haha :)  but I ended up starting at the beginning of Galatians 5 and was struck, once again, by this verse:

“You were running the race so well.  Who has held you back from following the Truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for He is the One who called you to freedom!”

that narrowed down the suspects to my own flesh or satan.  God was definitely not the one who stole my joy – He has called us to freedom!  I love this verse because I relate to it so much.  I’ll be going on, running the race and relying on God’s strength.  and then BAM!  something happens and I get off course.  it reminds me of this passage in Hebrews 12:1-2 --

“…let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.  And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus…”

I eventually got to the part of the chapter that talks about living the power of the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit.  I’m reading along and think, “ok, love, joy (missing that), peace (missing that), patience, kindness…” and so on.  I finished reading the list and sat back with my coffee and asked God why I was lacking joy and peace so much right now.  immediately, this came to mind: “LOVE.  it’s the 1st fruit.  and it’s the greatest commandment.”  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s what God’s answer was for me.  I love that He wants us to know Him and He wants us to sit with Him and ask Him questions and be still and listen.  I love that He’s personal and loves us so deeply beyond our comprehension.

here I was, wondering why I was missing joy and peace and I was skipping over the 1st fruit that was on the list.  I’m going to go out on a limb (again – I’ve been getting to spend a lot of time outside the last couple days, I’m very naturey now I guess) and suggest that “love” wasn’t listed 1st for no reason.  it is, after all, the greatest commandment.  like, THE greatest commandment.  I wonder if, without love, maybe the rest of the fruits just don’t ripen and flourish like they would if we first and foremost loved God and loved one another?

love.  serve.  wash one another’s feet.

I later made a list of ways God has blessed me, specifically over the past year.  wow…for the love…the list goes on (ha – there’s a shout out for the dynamic Braddy duo!!).

if you’re ever lacking in joy or are worried how things are going to work out or how God’s going to provide, make a list of how He’s blessed you and/or been faithful to you.  I guarantee it will only fill you with greater confidence in the One who is above all and it will turn your chaos and confusion into peace and joy.

one more verse I want to leave you with.  we actually had a songwriting session last week, hoping to write a song around this verse.  sometimes when we schedule a songwriting session, we hit a wall.  but last week, this song emerged from Isaiah 26:3 and my cousin reminded me of the verse this week as I was away.  I love how God orchestrates our lives!  last week, we wrote this song on Isaiah 26:3 and yeah, I love the verse and the Scripture around it.  but this week, God was like, “no – I led you to that verse for a reason.  now I want you to really meditate on it, and live it.”

“You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in You
all whose thoughts are fixed on You.”

thankful for the gift of space God has blessed me with these last couple days. 

The Game That Wouldn't End

I'm currently watching the Denver / Atlanta game on Monday Night Football. Quite possibly the longest football game of my life.

Not only is it painful to watch (I think the Broncos forgot to show up tonight), but all of the time-consuming bad calls by the refs is dragging this game out to a length that makes me want to poke my eye out.

:)

Or at least give up on the NFL for this season. I won't rant on the replacement refs. I'll just say...I have to constantly remind myself that they're human and Jesus loves them and therefore I should be trying.

Thank goodness, in the grand scheme of things, football does not matter.

And so here I sit, reminding myself that I don't have to stay up and put myself thru this unnecessary suffering. I gave up yelling at the TV in the 2nd quarter because I felt like it wasn't getting thru.

Hey Tebow, how you doin'?

checking in

the past 2 weeks of my life have been especially busy.  hence the lack of posting.

I used to think I wanted to be busy from the time I woke up in the morning ‘til the time I went to bed at night.  I love being around people, so the thought of not being on the go and not being around people didn’t sound appealing to me.

I’m also not very good at telling people “no”.

meanwhile, I’ve felt the increasing longing to be able to be still.  to be able to study the Word or take time to spend in prayer or listen to a podcast from one of my favorite pastors.  or read a good book that challenges me or leaves me in awe of my God, my Savior.

I remember last fall, I ended up with this 6-week temp job at the Secretary of State.  on the weekends, we’d travel to Torrington for worship team rehearsal and church.  but other than that, I didn’t have any other obligations.  so I got to read.  a lot.  and drink a lot of french press coffee with my cousins.  and take time to be still.  and I felt so much more focused.

right now I just feel scattered.  :)

I’m realizing that by filling up my days and being on the go all the time, it adds up to a lot of…noise.  noise that keeps me away from the quiet, sweet times with my Savior.  noise that keeps me scatter brained and distracted, taking me away from my focus.

I was reminded today by a friend that by telling someone “yes” to something, you’re saying “no” to something else.  and sometimes that’s OK.  but I wonder how often I say “yes” to someone or something for fear of letting someone down, and inadvertently end up saying “no” to something that was actually a lot more important. 

deep.

ironically, (although with God…nothing’s actually ironic) I ended up coming down with this cold last weekend that knocked me down for the first 1/2 of this week.  today is the first day I felt my energy had come back and I could actually breathe again.  at the beginning of the week, when I first got sick, my thought was, “I cannot afford to be sick right now!!”  but it forced me to slow down (ok, only a little).

we need to make the time and take the time to do what fills us.  what brings us deeper in our love of Jesus.  what brings us in awe of our Creator, the God of all.  it’s so crucial for all of us!

turn down the noise.

the week of “whaaat??!!”

I have to summarize my week that happened a couple weeks ago because it is drenched in God’s faithfulness and awesomeness and…I’m still blown away when I think about it.

Aug. 21 – for a few days, anxiety had been building up more and more inside of me because I wasn’t finding anything available to rent and my bank account balance was dwindling and my credit card balance was growing.  I was starting to think there was no way I could afford a place to rent because the couple places that were available were a lot bigger than I needed and more than I could afford.  and I couldn’t think of any girls in this town that I know that I could share a place with (everyone I knew at the time was either in high school or married…yes, the ever-increasing problem when you get older and are still single).  I started questioning if I had heard God’s call wrong.  I thought He was opening doors and directing me to stay out here for now.  but 2 major components to me staying were missing – a place to live and an income to support it.

desperate to hear from God, I went for a drive.  because that’s what jen does.  I literally cried out to God for some type of direction.  something clear, because I was at the end of my rope and so confused as to what I was supposed to be doing all of a sudden.  everything that had seemed so clear was suddenly a puddle of mush in my mind.  it was at this point that I realized I 100% needed God.  there have been so many times I’ve cried out to God for direction or answers, but I had an “alternate plan” in my back pocket just in case He didn’t give me a clear direction or answer.  does that make sense?  but now I really needed Him.  I had no alternate plan.  I had no extra $$ sitting in my bank account.

and…oh my goodness.  God answered.

that night, that same exact night, I was given the amazing opportunity to come on staff at my church (part-time)!!!!  what in the world?!

Aug. 22 – I wake up with my hope renewed.  I had confirmation from God that this is where He wanted me.  He was providing the finances for me to stay.  I knew He was going to provide a place for me to live.

that day, my friend who works as a paraprofessional at the high school called me, asking if I wanted to sub for her that Friday.  I’d never subbed before in my life, but I took the job because it wasn’t as intimidating as subbing for a teacher.  I couldn’t believe it – God was dropping another opportunity in my lap to provide more $$ income!

Aug. 24th – received a $$ bonus from my work back home for reaching a milestone mark in online store sales!

Aug. 25th – received a $$ support check from one of my friends back home!!

Aug. 26th – my friend Megan took me over to her friend’s house.  her friend owns this house and rents out the basement to another girl and had an open room upstairs she was looking to rent!

WOW.

I am blown away by God.  I am blown away by His grace to answer my desperate call for help.  I never had any reason to doubt or question or worry…but I still did.  and yet He is so gracious and patient.  and forgiving.