Lunch

I'm eating my lunch today (Publix sub - yum) overlooking the Gulf at the 7 Mile Bridge. So beautiful. I just looked up from writing this and I saw like 4 or 5 people all taking pictures of something out in the water. I thought they saw dolphins or something. Then I realized they were all tourists just taking pictures of the view. :) I can't blame 'em. I had to take a pic myself and I live here (...errr...off and on...hahaha its home base).

Staying in the truck though. It's only 75 and there's a breeze so it feels cold.

Over bridges

Today I went down to Big Pine and had lunch with Amanda at Bagel Island. A little disappointed they aren't making my Hawaiian bagel sandwich anymore. But the mango smoothie was good an mangoey. :) then we picked up Zoe and went for a little adventure. Great time with great friends! Bob Marley, Jack Johnson, and Josh Garrels included.

have guitar? automatically cool.

I had never flown with my guitar until this past summer and I noticed I got a few comments about it and thought it was funny.  but then I flew home again with it this past week and it struck me: if you carry a guitar, people automatically associate this level of coolness with you.  they have no idea if you can really play – they just assume you can.  I’ve therefore concluded that if your self-esteem level is low, the solution is to go on a trip and bring your guitar.  I felt like a rock star by the time I made it to Fort Lauderdale!  first it was the super cute little 4 or 5 year old boy in front of me in the security line.  he turns around and goes, “I like your guitar!!  well…I can’t see your guitar…but I like your case!!” so cute.  then one of the security people picks up my guitar (in the case) and pretends to play it and sings some old country song to another security person!  as I was boarding one of the planes, the attendant taking tickets goes, “aw, I wish we had more time, we could’ve jammed!”  and then when I got off the plane, I heard a guy exclaim to his friend, “I didn’t know you could bring a guitar on the plane??”  quite the conversation piece, I’m tellin’ ya.

duuuude.  I am SO glad I changed my ticket and stayed the extra 2 weeks in Cheyenne.  yes, I got sick.  and yes I got rear ended.  but it was totally worth it!  :)  I am so so soooo glad Paul & Cristine talked to me before I was supposed to leave the first time.

this past weekend we were out at Maranatha Bible Camp where Ty was heading up a high school retreat.  we teamed up with him and Alanna and lead the worship with them for the sessions.  so much fun.  Saturday night was so super cool to see God moving in the hearts of a lot of the teens.  Praying He continues to work in their hearts & lives now that they’ve gone back home.

I continue to be amazed at how God has been using the song “Like an Avalanche” during our times of corporate worship.  we ended up doing it twice Saturday night and once Sunday morning because the speaker kept requesting it.  I love the words to the song, it hasn’t gotten old to me even after doing it so many times over the past few months.

so as many of you know, one of the biggest fears of mine in worship leading is that I’ll throw up while leading.  hahaha true story.  wow, this blog has become a really transparent look into my life.  :)  hoping my honesty will connect with others and spur them into deeper leaps of faith with our Almighty God.  ok so anyway, I’ve never actually thrown up while up there.  I’ve thrown up before hand (just once so far, I think).  but not while we’re actually up there, though I’ve come really close a couple times (amazed how God has always calms my stomach literally RIGHT before I start the first song…He is so strong, I am so not – it is by His Spirit and Him alone.).  ok so this weekend my throat was getting bad again (hadn’t gone to the doctor for the strep throat yet) and I had this lump in my throat Sunday morning that was triggering my gag reflex every time I swallowed (haha again, true story – it was so weird).  when Paul said the speaker requested that we do “Like an Avalanche” again, I’m thinking…”oh great…how am I going to do this when I’m already gagging because of this lump in my throat??”  so we go back up on stage while the guy is praying and I swallowed as I sat down at the keyboard and what do you know, it triggered my gag reflex.  so I’m sitting there, gagging over and over while the speaker’s praying, and I’m panicking, thinking, “what do I do?  what do I do?” and praying.  begging.  pleading.  and…gagging.  haha :)  I tried to get Paul’s attention to motion for him to take the song but he didn’t look at me.  then right as the speaker was closing, everything settled down inside of me and we started the song…

I was reminded recently about how our gifts that God has given us are for us to use to edify the church.  they’re not for our own boasting.  they’re not for our own glory.  they are to be used to edify the body of Christ.  that sure takes a lot of pressure off of us, doesn’t it?  I mean, He’s given us each gifts that He wants us to be willing to let Him use to edify the church.  it’s nothing we can do – we can’t change people’s hearts.  we can’t convince people of Truth.  but we can be willing to allow Him to use us and the gifts He’s given us, and the Holy Spirit does the rest.

God.  Is.  So.  Awesome.

Processing

I've been home a couple days now and have had the house to myself while Andy & Sadie and the kids are gone for Thanksgiving. It was sad to come home and not have them here, but it has been a really cool blessing to have a whole place to myself for a little bit. It'd be like a vacation...except I started back at work the day after I got back. :)

But I've loved having quiet nights to put on my iPod (last night, mainly Josh Garrels, tonight Misty Edwards) and lay on the floor. Haha :) praying. Thinking. Dreaming. Processing thru the amazing, overwhelming journey God has taken me on recently.

Normally when I'm in the Keys, I go go go. I'm reminding myself its ok to be still. I don't take nearly enough time to be still before God. This is good.

CW internship thus far

I returned to my muchly loved islands last night, pretty much exactly 3 months from when I got to Cheyenne, WY.  even though it was dark when we drove down thru the keys last night, I couldn’t help but sporadically taking a deep breath, followed by sighing as I said, “…I sure love it here.”  I probably did it at least 4 or 5 times.  :)

I just don’t know that it’s where God wants me right now.  I want it.  but His ways and His plans are so much bigger than I can imagine and I so often settle for what my small mind can wrap around.

interning with Continuous Worship Ministries has been incredible and one of those things that I still can’t believe I’m getting to do.  and even with this internship, I’m realizing more and more how small my view of what I think God wants to do can be sometimes.

and so this is a re-cap of my internship thus far.  I’ve blogged about a lot of the stuff over the past few months, so this will be more of my thoughts on the internship as a whole.

I started off by just committing to intern for the month of July this summer…because, in my small mindedness, I figured God couldn’t possibly be asking me to surrender my comfort in the Keys to pursue something bigger that He had planned.  ;)  1 month wasn’t scary to commit to.  so at the end of June, I flew out West.

have you ever interned under Paul Braddy?  no.  you haven’t.  I know because I’m the first to intern under him with Continuous Worship. :)  BAM!  well let me tell you something about Paul.  he likes to push people out of their comfort zones.  and funny enough, Cristine (his wife, my cousin!!) likes to too.  I didn’t realize this going into the internship.  which is a good thing.  ha :)  that first week we did the worship at a family camp out at Maranatha and the very first session, Paul asked me to lead a song (I think it was Mighty to Save…I’m pretty sure).  so what did I do?  I went and threw up in the bathroom right before the session started.  hahaha true story.  I don’t think I ever told Paul & Cristine that..but I’m pretty sure they’re going to know now… hahaha um hi guys.  :)

even during just that 1 month of interning, I got so many different experiences.  leading a song.  playing keys.  running the slides (I got a miserable cold that 1st week…nice timing).  songwriting.  practicing guitar and keys.  I got to play pads for the 1st time in my life.  learning the sound board.  Paul & Cristine were also the speakers at the jr high camp we did that month and I got to sit in with them as they developed the theme and messages they were going to bring.  we drank a lot of coffee (hey french press, how you doin’?).  we laughed a ton.  and we talked a lot.

that’s another thing you should know about Paul & Cristine.  they’re super intentional.  I loved that right away, Paul gave me a couple things to read/listen to on worship and then we’d talk about what I was learning/thinking.  the first book I read was “Facedown” by Matt Redman.  amazing.  personally, I can’t think of a better book to start off this type of internship with.

anyway, needless to say, God really worked on my heart during that month and by the end, I decided this was what I felt God was asking me to continue doing for now.  so I flew home, worked a couple weeks, packed up my place, simplified my belongings to what could fit in my Scion XB, and drove out to the great, freakin’ windy & cold & desolate state of Wyoming (still working on loving WY…can you tell?).  :)  Cristine even flew down to help me drive back!  she’s pretty much amazing and now one of my favorite people to road trip with!

I keep wanting to give a play by play of the whole last 3 months but I have to keep reminding myself I’ve already blogged about the details of most of the things.  stay general, jen.  stay general.  overview of internship.  stay on track…

one thing that has blown me away during this internship is how much Paul & Cristine have come along side me and walked with me thru the good, bad, and the ugly.  like…I think they might genuinely love me and care about me… which is hard for me to believe/receive sometimes.  but I think maybe they really do because if they didn’t, I would imagine they would’ve kicked me out a long time ago and said “adios” because I’m not always the easiest to work with.  (imagine me with a really big smile…HERE)

we laugh a lot.  and Paul is like a master at throwing “your mom” remarks in at just the right moments (which, when their kids are around, totally confuses them and makes it even more hilarious).  we drink a lot of coffee and eat a lot of popcorn and mexican food.  but we also talk a lot, too, about worship and life and what a life of worship is supposed to look like.  we talk about our own struggles and take time to pray together.  another thing I totally wasn’t expecting but am truly thankful for is that Paul & Cristine aren’t afraid to confront me when they see things in my life that I usually am not aware of (or am aware of and just choose not to work on).  we’ve had some tough conversations, but, like I said in a previous post, it is so evident that they are doing it in love and God has used them in huge ways in my life to gently give me a kick in the rear when I need it.  :)

Paul is like the coolest person to intern under.  I’ve gotten so many experiences and opportunities to serve, to grow, and to learn.  I’ve gotten to join with him and Cristine and various other people to serve thru leading worship in different ways.  camps, conferences, seminars, retreats, and churches.  I’ve really loved that these last 3 months, we’ve also partnered with a brand new church plant in Torrington and have been helping develop a worship team.  this has been amazing for me to get to experience because it’s literally starting from scratch and building a team of lead worshippers.  I love the community that has come from these times of spending time together as a team, having a meal together, studying the Word together, and then rehearsing together.

alright once again, I’ve written a book.  oops.
dude.  so in awe of how big God is and yet how intimately involved He is in each of our lives.  His plans are so much bigger than we could imagine.  I’m getting just a tiny taste of that.

Passing time

Sitting in the Orlando airport. Noticing lots of super white people wearing shorts, t-shirts, and of course the mandatory tourist visor. They have "hey sun - come burn me!" written all over 'em.

O-town

I've decided that flights to Orlando have got to be some of the funnest flights. Tons of kids giddy to see Mickey...shrieking in joy/terror when we hit turbulence. And then the flight attendant sang "Zippidee-do-dah" when we landed and everyone clapped. :)

I realized on the flight here that I've flown at least once during all but 2 of the months so far this year. I don't foresee myself flying anywhere in December so I'll finish the year having flown 9 of the 12 months of this year. Blessed. :)

one of those days

I had one of those days today.  we’ve all had ‘em.  you know – when 1 thing happens.  and then another.  and then another.  and you kind of feel like you should just go back home and hide out ‘til the next day and start over.

:)

ok, I didn’t really get to the point where I just wanted to go to bed and start fresh in the morning.  amidst the mishaps, my joy remains.  :)

the good news is, I was in the suburban…

so this morning we all went down to Loveland, CO.  Paul & Cristine and the kids were meeting with friends and I needed to find a cheap pair of jeans since my last pair of non-holey jeans just got big holes in them last week.  I took the suburban to go find jeans.  I found a great deal at this one place, so I got them.  then I thought I should at least look a few other places just in case I could find something better (although 2 pairs for $30?  totally a steal).  it was then that a big dodge diesel truck towing a big trailer rear-ended me at a stop light (the light was yellow, I stopped, the truck apparently didn’t).  amazingly, the only damage to the suburban was to the back bumper, which got dented and shoved around a little so we couldn’t get the back doors open (but later Paul took part of the bumper off and the doors work again).  the truck had more damage than the suburban. when I got out of the suburban, I kept apologizing to the guy and asked if I slowed too fast and he started laughing and was like, “dude…it totally wasn’t your fault!!”  :)  I guess it’s just my nature to assume it was my fault somehow.  and even though I feel terrible that I was driving Paul & Cristine’s suburban, I am at the same time incredibly thankful that I wasn’t driving Zeva because she would have crunched a whole lot more and I probably would be hurting a lot more than I am tonight.

I get everything squared away with the po-po and then decided that the $10 uber comfy sweat pants I had seen when I got my jeans earlier were now OK to buy because I had just been in an accident.  :)  at the time, they just seemed like extra clothes that I didn’t need and I don’t have the money for them anyway.  but now, I had them justified.  so I went back and bought them.  :)

ok so then I go meet up with Paul and the kids and the other kids he was watching at Chick-Fil-A while Cristine was at a lunch with friends.  suddenly, I feel this little kid’s cup drop behind me on my side of the booth.  I turn to get it for him and realize it was a bottle of chocolate milk…that was open.  so now I have chocolate milk on my back.  at this point, I don’t even care if it stained my shirt.  the poor dad was kept apologizing and saying how embarrassed he was.  I wanted to say, “dude…I have strep throat, i just got rear ended, and anyway, I am around kids all the time…this is nothing!” but then I thought that actually might make him feel bad if he knew I was sick and had just had an accident so I just reassured him it was totally fine.  :)  I did also consider asking if he’d like to donate to the ministry (I had heard their table talking about church so I thought for sure I’d have a good candidate).  totally kidding.  no, ok I really did jokingly consider asking him.  that part is true.  :)

and then the least climatic but still funny just because it followed the other 2 incidents.  we were on our way home and the boys started fighting and one threw a rubber ball and it hit me in the head.  hahaha :)

tonight while the kids were at AWANA, Paul, Cristine & I went to the Tortilla Factory for dinner and then got starbucks and talked at Barnes & Noble.  a good way to end a day that was long for all of us. Oh but I just remembered - my car wouldn't unlock when I got to Tortilla Factory...so I was stuck in my car trying to get it open and Paul and Cristine walk by and wave and I motion toward the lock on my car but I guess they just thought I was excited to see them. Which I totally was. Come on, now. They're super cool people! But I was also being held hostage by my car. Eventually it decided it was ok to let me unlock the door.

so. Here i sit.   popped a couple motrin.  got out the heating pad.  we’re good to go.  thankful for God’s protection.  thankful for the joy of knowing Him because He sustains me even when days don’t go how I would have planned.  I honestly never got mad at any point today.  thankful for God’s grace.

now I will go to bed and see what tomorrow holds.

:)

con toooo-doh

so i just randomly remembered going to this youth conference in Miami a few years ago and the worship team, bless their hearts, decided to throw in the Spanish version of "With Everything" (by Hillsong United). i think because it was in Miami and the majority of the people at the conference were fluent in Spanish. so when it comes to the "Con todo...con todo..." part ("with everything...with everything..."), the lead worshipper sings it like this, "Con too-oo-doh, con too-oo-doh...". now, if you know nothing about the Spanish language, you won't find that funny. you'll be wondering what's the big deal? but for the rest of you...feel free to giggle :) let's just say, the next time they sang it that weekend at the conference, someone had informed him of the correct pronunciation. :)

wanted: new throat

so it looks like i have strep. woohoo! my throat is killin' me. it even hurts to just move my neck much. there's a PB&H sandwich sitting next to me that i know i should eat but i just don't have the desire to because i know it's not going to be enjoyable. drinking hot things like coffee and tea also does not appeal to me. that's when you know something's wrong with jen. :) but God's allowed this to happen for a reason. while i lay low at the house, it's slowing me down to spend more time with Him. and that's never a bad thing. :) super exciting things taking place and in the making! God continues to stoke me. i can't post everything yet but just know that He is orchestrating the future and i've experienced Him working in such tangible ways lately. and i've been seeing/hearing of how He's working in some of my friend's lives lately too and i'm so so so stoked!!!! today while i was having Cristine look at my throat, Benji (9) goes, "Well - looks like we have a sick one in the house!" he also told me last week, as i was leaving to go to the gym, "You don't need to work out, you're already as skinny as a pancake!" ...a pancake?? haha the kid cracks me up.

surrendering to God’s sovereignty

in church yesterday, this phrase stood out to me from the message – “Surrender to God’s sovereignty”.  if I had that down, I would never worry.  it might have to be a new mantra for me.  :)

wow I am so glad I changed my ticket and stayed for these 2 weeks.

God has continued using Paul & Cristine to push me out of my comfort zone even more.  every saturday afternoon we drive to Torrington, WY and have dinner with the worship team from the brand new church plant there.  then we have a time of Bible Study/discussion before we rehearse for the service.  I absolutely love these times.  I think every worship team should do this.  :)

so saturday night I led the discussion for the first time after dinner (hi, I greatly dislike speaking in front of groups).  Paul asked me to share on Psalm 1 – which was ironic because that was the only chapter of Scripture that my dad had me and my sister memorize with him growing up.  really cool to go back and actually study it now that I’m older. 

and that Saturday morning Paul told me (notice I used the word “told”…I think him and Cristine have quickly learned they shouldn’t ask me if I want to do things…I’m working on being willing still :) ) I was leading None But Jesus and This Is Our God during the Sunday morning corporate worship time – 2 songs of which I totally love the lyrics.

even though I’ve been getting up more and more in front of people and singing/playing…dude it is still a huge battle in my mind.  I think it’s because after 20+ years (no one really asked me to sing in front of people when I was 2…at least not that I can remember…although I probably would’ve rocked Twila Paris or Sandi Patty because I belted my heart out to their songs…yes…I was THAT cool) of saying “no” when asked to sing on worship teams and giving in to the fear of being in front of people, I’ve developed a super strong thinking pattern.  my automatic response is to fear.  I’m trying so hard not to do that, but it just…happens still.  I know only God can remove that from me, and I beg Him to take it away so I can get up, confident in His strength and His sovereignty.  He is so completely worthy of all our praise and all our affection.  I want to lead others in worshipping Him for who He is.  I just haven’t conquered the fear yet.  I would love to be covered in prayer in this area, if you feel led.  :)

BUT – 1 Cor. 12:9 – His power is made perfect in my weakness.  and therefore I press on, trusting in His sovereignty.  whatever happens, He can use it for His glory.  whether my voice is shaking or not.  whether I throw up or not.  :)  He is stronger and He is greater and He is worthy.

totally stoked for the senior high retreat this weekend out at Maranatha.  5 sessions with the students.  praying for revival in hearts and that eyes will be opened to more and more of God’s greatness and who He is.

ooh!  this morning Paul & I got some time to do more song writing.  sometimes when we do that, we hit a wall and get nowhere.  other times the words/melodies just flow.  today was one of those days the words/melodies just flowed.  we got 2 songs closer to being completed – now we need to play them for people and get feedback.   thank You, God, for providing the songs that bring You glory!

on a sad note, we have all be battling sickness after sickness.  over the past month, I’ve had the flu, a cold, and now something new where my throat is so sore and it feels like I’m swallowing golf balls.  it really puts a cramp in my workout schedule.  ah, the downside of living in community and traveling so much.  :)  it’s all good though.  God is good no matter what and we all have so much to be thankful for.

headed home to the islands next Monday (the 21st) for an “extended” time…whatever that means! :)

sweetly broken

in just over 2 hours, a plane will be taking off in Denver, headed for Fort Lauderdale.  I had a seat on that plane.

and in 2 hours that plane will take off without me.

disclaimer: this might turn into a long post.  so here, I’ll summarize and then if you want the details, keep reading.  :)

Paul & Cristine came to me Sunday night, feeling that God had laid on their hearts to at least talk to me about sticking around 2 more weeks.  no pressure to change my ticket, but they just felt like they couldn’t not say something.  if I left today, I would miss out on the opportunity to join with them in some super exciting ministry times (mainly worship leading) that are coming up in the next 2 weeks.  God convicted me of selfishness and the desire to be in control (once again – a common fault of mine).  He reminded me thru a friend that the whole reason I came up here was to pursue using the gifts God’s given me in ministry.

there.  that’s the super short, condensed version.  I personally think the detailed version is a lot more exciting but I won’t make you read it all.  but if you do read this whole post, there is a secret prize hidden within the text.

ok I’m totally lying about the secret prize.  I know, some of you probably totally fell for it.  I’m so bad at lying.

the details (probably more for my own interest, because I also use my blog as a journal and I want to be able to look back on this and remember):

2 Fridays ago, I left work not sure at all when my temp job’s end date was.  I kept getting mixed answers and the last I heard, it was going to go longer than the original agreement, which would end this past Friday (the 4th I think).  so in my mind, I was prepared to work thru like the 15th or something, stay for the high school retreat that weekend that Paul’s in charge of the worship at, and then head home the 21st or 22nd.  and I was OK with that plan.

last monday, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that that Friday would be my last day.  she’s so great :)  she’s a friend of my Aunt’s and the previous week she had asked me what my thoughts were about staying on at the job and I was honest with her that I was wanting something more flexible because my whole point of coming up here was to do ministry.  so, in her words, she was going to “release” me to pursue where my heart was.

so my mind flips into survival mode.  I’m super stretched on money.  now I wouldn’t have those 2 extra weeks of work for income.  and if I still stuck around for the high school retreat, that would mean 2 whole weeks of not having a job to keep me occupied. killer.  I nearly went crazy when I first got up here and didn’t have a job for the first 2 1/2 weeks. so last tuesday I booked a ticket to fly home this tuesday (today).  I planned to get right to work at my dad’s this week and start saving up $ for my return up here in january.  totally made sense to me and gave me relief knowing $ would be coming in and I wouldn’t be sitting around going crazy with so much free time.

it’s funny, looking back on everything, I specifically remember every time I told people I was going home and that it was more of a “financial reason”, I had this whisper in my head going, “financial reason?  wow…that’s a pretty selfish, wanting-to-be-in-control reason”.  but I kept telling myself it was just me being wise.  which maybe it totally would be.  but … ok I’m getting off track…

SO.  anyway.  here comes Sunday night.  hey, Sunday night, how you doin’?  I had gone to Denver to meet up with my YWAM fam friday night and came back saturday afternoon so I didn’t get to go to Torrington with my family here. (we’ve been going there almost every saturday afternoon, having dinner/Bible study with the worship team and then rehearsal.  then we spend the night out there and help with the service in the morning.  it’s a brand new church plant that started in August).  Paul & Cristine & the kids returned sunday afternoon and we’re all sitting around drinking french press coffee, watching football, playing words with friends (and getting ticked at each other but that’s beside the point) :), and then watching Despicable Me with the kids. you know, enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon/evening.  I was planning to pack on Monday.  I had already talked to like 2 or 3 people that afternoon about coming home and getting excited.

and then it happened.  yeah, IT happened.

oh wait!  no no no – hold on.  I forgot a detail.  I know, hard to to believe because right now, this is going so long that if you’re still reading, you probably can’t remember a time before this blog post started.  (Mriss – that was an allusion to a movie quote – c’mon, call it!)  but this detail is the whole reason for the title of this post.

earlier in the evening, I had left my guitar out hoping Paul would play. :) and then I got out the chord chart for “Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle because I had heard it a few times on the radio and found out Paul knew it and had the chord chart and I wanted to record it before I went home so I didn’t have to buy the real version (hi, el cheapo talking here). but he didn’t really want to play it because he didn’t want to play it just to play it.  it had to be the right moment.  which I wasn’t sure was going to come that night and I was bummed.  but then…

IT happened.  (did you just hear a suspenseful musical moment in your head?  like we’re in a movie and “dun-dun-duuunnnn”… ok yeah me neither)

hold on, I’m getting goofy now.  this is totally not goofy.  ok let me regain seriousness (it’s really hard for me sometimes).

so sunday night Paul and Cristine wanted to talk with me.  God had laid it on both of their hearts to share their thoughts with me before I left.  I totally love these guys.  we’ve had a few tough conversations over the past couple months while I’ve been up here but every time it is completely evident that they’re doing it in love and that makes all the difference in confrontations, doesn’t it?  because I’ve certainly had those conversations with people where I go away from it thinking, “were they just doing that because they’re trying to find something to pick on?”

they asked me to reconsider staying for a couple more weeks.  to live intentionally these next 2 weeks and be willing to be “all in” and be willing to be pulled even more out of my comfort zone.  we have ministry opportunities at church this weekend and then at the high school retreat the following weekend (which I had originally really wanted to stay for anyway because I love high schoolers!).  but they were clear that no matter what decision I made, they would support me and that I couldn’t make a '”wrong” decision because God is so much bigger than that.  nonetheless, the majority of the time we talked I curled over in my chair with my head buried in a pillow…did I mention I don’t take confrontation well?  hahaha :)  I had no idea what to do.  my mind was set that I was going to be leaving Tuesday for the Keys.  I was going to be able to go to Tiff’s wedding this friday.  and yeah, the whole time since I booked the ticket there was a part of me sad that I was going to miss the high school retreat and also just having some time to chill and write/play music (I’m totally thankful for God’s provision of the temp job here and I think I blogged about that a little while back – but working full time did take me away from some ministry opportunities and that irked me).

so like…I’m sitting there, head buried in the pillow, not saying a whole lot.  wrestling with God.  was He really asking me to surrender my desire to be warm and be in the place that I love with people that I love and was super excited to see?  wasn’t I make the wise decision by doing what was financially smart?  and yet I couldn’t just take this decision lightly anymore because it was obvious God had laid this on their hearts for a reason and they had the balls to come to me with it.

and then Paul picked up the guitar and started playing/singing Sweetly Broken.  I’ll put the lyrics at the bottom of this post. but it’s all about Jesus and what He did on the cross and our response.  this line, “You draw me gently, to my knees…I’m sweetly broken…wholly surrendered” wrecked me.  I felt God was asking me, once again, to wholly surrender to Him.  to trust Him to provide anything I was going to need financially by staying up here 2 more weeks.  by trusting that He is all I need and that He is enough to satisfy me during these 2 weeks of not having a job to occupy my time.  it was like He was saying, “we get these 2 weeks together to really hang out together.  I want You to be in My Word.  I want you to sit and write the songs that I give You.  I want You to surrender your fear and go all in these next couple weeks, especially in ministry.'”

and I love that phrase, “You draw me gently to my knees.”  He doesn’t forcefully throw us down.  He is so kind.  He is so gentle.  and thru Paul & Cristine, I felt His caring love.

so.  I had texted Lisa later that night and asked her what she thought I should do.  :)  and the turning point came when she reminded me that the whole reason I came up here was to pursue worship leading and using the gifts God’s given me and here there were going to be like…at least 4 or 5 opportunities in the next 2 weeks to do just that.  and that I was crazy for not staying.  :)  so monday morning I changed my ticket to Nov 21st (for now).

and I am filled with this eager expectancy of what God wants to do these next 2 weeks.  oh that His glory would be revealed and reflected!

Sweetly Broken
by Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Bridge:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness